...

Seems orchestral and classical music will be temporarily saving me from my up-and-down-and-up moods these days. I've been terribly unstable, and it doesn't help that I feel lousy and have been starting to tend to a growing paunch. Gym isn't helping that much, and I've been constantly been growing more and more frustrated with myself.

I think its a psychological matter, plus the fact that I've been already been burned out for weeks now. I'm probably just a faintly glowing ember at the moment, trying its best to keep the light up despite the situation. But I've got no wind to fan me to fire up again, and a breather is what I really need these days. But where to find the time, that's quite a question. And a bigger question would be, Am I really at the right place, anyways?

I could stay in my present place for quite a time, but if I'm just at the wrong jungle and hacking away towards an unplanned goal that neither seems there or appropriate to my calling, what then? Do I just stupidly go ahead and hope that things will be better for me? And yet, I don't know WHERE I should be going.

A freshening up is in order... but I wonder these days, Where and when can I take a breather? The only right thing I know is that at least I know I am with the right significant other, but it doesn't help that he's in another country. With the faintly weak ember that's lighting up my determination these days, I just have to hope, and keep on asking when we can see each other again... at least I know when I'm with him, in that aspect of my life, I am in the right direction. None feels much better in a tornado of confusion than knowing that there is a corner in your life that is stable and right... I think I just need to spend some time with him. It may be a shot in the dark to hope that it will help the situation with the other aspects in my life... but a good place to start is as good as any now, with my head constantly blank and my mind wandering everywhere.

It has gotten to the point where I have started to constantly conduct some sort of dialogue with myself all the time during the day... about crazy rotten things such as inappropriate songs, other people's inane sense of fashion, the excruciating heat that gets to my head with the blasted humid weather. Totally off direction and totally going nuts.

And, lets not forget the nails. We all know what happens to my nails when I'm going through these kind of states..... *sigh*

I guess I've hit rock bottom. Well, at least so far that I think so. I just keep telling myself there's no way but up in any case...