Quest for Clarity (I)

I had a dream that I would one day be with a book, under the shade of a old, weather beaten, sturdy tree, sitting, reminiscing, imagining worlds and places I've never been before. The worlds, with colors so vivid and bright, that I would be so engrossed and submerged in it to the point of believing that I could seriously navigate and explore.

So, sound familiar? What's missing?

The music player, of course. (For those of you who've been networked in my internet accounts, remember my introductions...)

Music is extremely important. It sets the mood, the pace, the feel of the place. It could dictate whether emotions could be running high with angst, crawling lowly with suspicion, jumping across boards with glee, or slowly building up to a crescendo of a mix of emotions altogether: sentimental, introspective, solitary, frustration, happiness, revelation or just maybe, an unnatural high.

And yet, you can hardly feel all that while the music is croaking and shrieking to reach the highest notes or muttering inaudibly to the lowest thumping bass. And thus, the musical apparatus that spits out the melodies, should kick-@$$.

Get ready for some top notch set of screamers , a review coming soon... (but not the best - Life is full of limitations, and greens don't pretty much grow in abundance in trees)

What Can Be Lost, Can Be Regained

I recently had a revelation.

Maybe I've just been too worried about myself and my predicament... in the days after writing my previous post, several things transpired that made me realize how much I've changed from how I was a year ago. It took some drastic measures, a lot of introspection and quite a handful of friends' help, but I'm quite glad to say that things look much better.

Its not perfect, but better off than that gloomy, muddled state than I was in a few days ago.

Its amazing how much can change in just a second. A pact, an interesting scenario, a proposal, conflicts, different friend's advices and conversation, (surprisingly) a shopping spree, several movies and a quiet night of coffee in solitude.

I realized how much I missed spending time alone without worries of people's expectations. I spent my time watching a movie, sitting alone for coffee, planning for the next week's working plans, reminiscing old friends, and enjoying new ones.

I missed being with several friends back in the Philippines... I realized they're much my best friends despite the fact that I don't tend to make any effort to reach out to them. All of them are different, complementing different aspects of my personality, shouldering, cradling, supporting each facet of my personality.

I missed being with new friends who take care of me at my workplace. Despite the fact that we don't talk due to our busy schedules, or have lunches often, they're there.

I missed the times when I would go out for a solitary jog, a visit in the library to wade through shelves and shelves of books. They're also my friends, they've kept me company throughout my childhood. I should never have forgotten them. They've never left my side when I had problems, big or small, past, present, or future.

I missed shopping with friends and family. Finding out and realizing what I want and need in particular, and its not just about "anything will do". I used to go off to Hong Kong, during my pre-teens, alone, to shop. Don't pity me, it is never lonely for someone who's spent most of her time in the company of books. Its a special state of mind. No matter how brainless or insignificant it seemed for other people, I would walk alone, going to several sites, finding what I need,... what I needed the most.

I probably didn't find out what I needed the most during these past few days, but I did find out what I left behind. And I managed to walk back to each of them, one by one, to pick them up.

Its my time to cradle. A salute to those I've talked and crossed paths with the past few days since my last post. You know who you are. I may not have expressed gratitude directly, but I'm expressing them now. A talk, chat or an email makes a world of difference. You've made a person regain the soul that have been left missing for some time.

Now, lets see what magnitude this change and this revelation will do for others.

Desolation is such a big word

So is lonely. Or alienation.

Moving through life misunderstood. A pinch of thought or clarity. A seed of doubt. No reconfirmation. These are the things that make living a bit more desolate than those with close friendship or substance. A soul is not meant to live alone in a big place full of millions of people.

And you thought Britney Spears was wrong to live the way she did. Bigger than life people are sometimes those that are most left to themselves, while the rest of the people think that they are left quite well alone with all the talent they have. Or the power. Or the money.

Lets say I've had a first hand experience with desolation. And still living with full of it... I don't have millions of dollars, nor do I have the talent to have a musical concert of my own. What I have is a sole position wherein all those who need me - all 120 of them - gaze across walls and across boundaries, grabbing that phone or typing into that messenger window, saying "I need your help."

And what can I give except my time and my effort. Fulfill the expectation. Satisfy the need.

At least, try to. Try my best.

And sometimes, you become drained. Nothing left to give except an apology: "I don't have the time." And people look at you as if you've let them down, as if you've caused the expanse of seas to heave upwards towards the heavens and commanded it to come down, crashing through their doorsteps. News spread. People talk.

And I spent so much time trying my best, there's not a drop of time to explain myself to everyone...

I do wish I'm omniscient. Sometimes I wish I have the code of databases ingrained into my brain, never to disappear. Expectations of always being right, and never being wrong. Of being all-knowing, all-wise, and having the full answers to any scenario, in a flash.

They say the bigger than life people are the ones who are the lucky ones. Just being one, without possibly deserving of living up the expectations of so many people, is a gargantuan task in itself, deserving of praise. Its a lonely path for those who tread through pavement of enormous expectation.

But I guess, so are those treading the road less traveled...

I'm not about to give up, but the desolation leaves me speechless most of the times.

A downtime is always a nice thing....