Desolation is such a big word

So is lonely. Or alienation.

Moving through life misunderstood. A pinch of thought or clarity. A seed of doubt. No reconfirmation. These are the things that make living a bit more desolate than those with close friendship or substance. A soul is not meant to live alone in a big place full of millions of people.

And you thought Britney Spears was wrong to live the way she did. Bigger than life people are sometimes those that are most left to themselves, while the rest of the people think that they are left quite well alone with all the talent they have. Or the power. Or the money.

Lets say I've had a first hand experience with desolation. And still living with full of it... I don't have millions of dollars, nor do I have the talent to have a musical concert of my own. What I have is a sole position wherein all those who need me - all 120 of them - gaze across walls and across boundaries, grabbing that phone or typing into that messenger window, saying "I need your help."

And what can I give except my time and my effort. Fulfill the expectation. Satisfy the need.

At least, try to. Try my best.

And sometimes, you become drained. Nothing left to give except an apology: "I don't have the time." And people look at you as if you've let them down, as if you've caused the expanse of seas to heave upwards towards the heavens and commanded it to come down, crashing through their doorsteps. News spread. People talk.

And I spent so much time trying my best, there's not a drop of time to explain myself to everyone...

I do wish I'm omniscient. Sometimes I wish I have the code of databases ingrained into my brain, never to disappear. Expectations of always being right, and never being wrong. Of being all-knowing, all-wise, and having the full answers to any scenario, in a flash.

They say the bigger than life people are the ones who are the lucky ones. Just being one, without possibly deserving of living up the expectations of so many people, is a gargantuan task in itself, deserving of praise. Its a lonely path for those who tread through pavement of enormous expectation.

But I guess, so are those treading the road less traveled...

I'm not about to give up, but the desolation leaves me speechless most of the times.

A downtime is always a nice thing....