Apprehension

Finally... after so much dreaming and aspiring, I've finally done what needed to be done - my first step towards a goal I'd crazily come up, not knowing if I can do it or not.

Recap, for those of you not in the know...
The goal started a little over a year ago...
And then another mention a year later...
And finally... better be late than never... a trial training. The one and only time.

And then, finally it came. Its not a full fledged contest, but its a start. I wouldn't have dreamed of attempting something like this a few years ago, but when the day came, I had to do it. No going back.

I was scared sh*tless three days before the event. I've never tried doing it before. Not at that length. Not continuously in one practice session. Probably a few spurts here and there when I actually went jogging, but not the full length for that event. I was scared I wouldn't be able to finish it... I was apprehensive of deciding to just give up at the middle, and lose face because all the others were able to do it. Kids. Parents. Less physically fortunate people. Granddaddies. All I had was a goal, a hope, and an aspiration that somehow, all those gym sessions would pay off. An idea that I could and would be able to do it, despite all odds. Despite the one and only training 1 week before. Despite the fact that I didn't prepare for it at all, and hope against hope that all that jumping, turning, twisting, moving and skittering across the gym aerobics floor for 4-hours a day, 12 hours a week, would somehow help.

It didn't make things better that the one and only time I trained for it, my shins hurt so bad for a few days, I thought it would never heal when the actual day arrived. And before that, on a Thursday the week before, my left calf froze up on me from out of the blue, and left me slightly limping for a week. And exactly a week before, immediately a day after my first and only training, I had to deal with work that had me going on and on without sleep for 48 hours. Or the long nights that continued on afterwards because work was so overloaded. I was totally deprived of good sleep. One day before the event, I had to work the whole day. How am I supposed to be at my optimal best?

Who wouldn't be scared when everything wrong seemed to be coming my way as the day approached?

I couldn't sleep that night, even though I hit the sack at ten in the evening. I was worried, I was excited. I was apprehensive. I woke up at midnight. At three in the morning. And every few minutes after that. I kept thinking.. its time to get up. I had 3 or 4 different dreams that night, even though I couldn't continuously sleep.

Finally, I gave up and woke at 4. I put on my new shirt, my old gear, laced my trusty and only running shoes, remembered to bring my HKID card, my number badge and my music player. I skittered over down the building and grabbed a small size malt soy bean milk to have something for my stomach so early in the morning. The weather was cool, but not cold enough to freeze me while wearing my sleeveless running shirt. I took the subway... and the whole carriage, at 4:20am, was filled with participants joining the same event. Everyone was wearing their chipsets. Some looked amateurish. Some looked professional, some looked inconspicuous. And all I can think of is,

"Will I be able to make it to the finish line?"