Hako Iri Musume

NOTE: There's a bit of psychobabble and rant here, so feel free to skip. Actually, I think the length of the post itself might have turned you off already.

Literally translated as "Daughter in a box" in Japanese, this term refers to daughters who are sheltered and protected by the family to the point of being "in a box".

Something I learned from Hiro - the super japanese gym guy - on our way to our destinations after today's class - him to the CB class which I wanted to join if I really had the time, but I had to do some "relative visits" customary for the Chinese New Year. I go tomorrow to that class (with the same instructor) instead. For me, my destination was back home, to pick up my nephew and visit some more relatives.

After the conversation, he went off to his merry way. It wasn't actually a big deal when I first heard the phrase from him, but after he went off and I was left to my own personal world again... it started nudging back inside my head. It was like those little viruses that sneak into your body and you start feeling slightly uncomfortable. Then you start getting a bit of sniffles, then your throat starts getting dry, and you start coughing really bad. Likewise, the phrase snuck up and got stuck in my mind. Worse, it bothered me and kept repeating inside my head. It kept on repeating and repeating. It was definitely bad news.

I kept on thinking: It was an unfair phrase. Knowing that such a term exists in another language, was a revelation that was interesting, but also suffocating and quite depressing.

For a quick overview, Hako refers to "box". For the japanese word itself, I've always associated and imagine a plain carton brown box... not a big one, but a small one that is simple in design and appearance, which opens at the top, much like those little boxes used for gift wrapping and holding luxury items. Iri - not being a japanese expert, but I was told it was a verbial form that means "to be placed inside". Musume refers to "daughter".

As a child I've always hated being a daughter. I hated being female, I hated being the only girl, and I hated being the youngest. I've also hated the position I've always been placed. I've never been allowed the freedom to commute-bus, taxi, train or otherwise. If I needed something I had to have one of my brothers with me. On school excursions I would be chaperoned by one of my brothers - I would be the only one in my whole class who would have a brother tag along to beach excursions .... at 16. That's a preposterous age to be chaperoned. And trust me, also quite embarrassing. How can you enjoy with your friends when one of your brothers is within a 10 feet radius from you - and he's probably not liking the experience either. Who would want to babysit their little sister ALL the time.

Worse, even at an age as early as 8, I've already written a birthday card for my eldest brother, explaining my "gratitude" and my "apologies" for the times he had to pick me up and drive to school when he was still in his college days. At 8. After reading and rereading, and in my embarrassment, I did not give it to him. I just greeted him a Happy Birthday. The last time, when I was already working, I came home to the Philippines and was cleaning up my room, I saw the same card in my scrawny handwriting. It was still there, after all these years. And its still there now.

When I think about it right now, its not fair for an 8 year old to be sorry for herself, and others, just because her family thinks she needs to be protected and taken care like a porcelain doll.

I never wanted to be a bother to anyone... I loved anonymity. I wanted freedom. I wanted expression. At the age of 20, I don't want anyone to be forced to change their schedules so that they can pick me up at school everyday. I couldn't go to extra curricular activities because no one had the time to drive me or pick me up after school. I sacrificed joining the glee club because of that. I wanted to have friends to hang out with after school.. but I couldn't because I also had to compromise with my brothers - they can't pick me up late. I can't go to bars, I can't eat out late, I can't drink, I can't party, I can't hang out.

It can also be a bit stifling when it comes to exercising your decision muscles. I've always resorted to "I can't, its too late" or "my parents won't like it". When I have a boyfriend, they don't really trust my decision. They would say that they do not believe my boyfriend would protect me in case anything really bad happens. They wouldn't react and think to my best interests. "Only family can do that," they say.

I do not blame my family, but I wish I could've done something better. But then, at the age of 8, how much thoughts can and should you think, and how many decisions can you make that can be life altering? The phrase is a depressing idiom, and in some sense, I'm not much surprised a term such as this exists outside the Chinese language. Things are better now. I do have my freedom, and I can make decisions on my own with the respect of my family. Almost, but not quite though. Past is not yet behind me, but it is far better than before... but... I can't help the feeling that I've been somewhat robbed of one aspect of my childhood, and at some level, altered, and still pervades my impressions, thoughts and opinions until present.

Yes, I know I can fix and make my own decisions now, and not let the past affect the present... but its still not fair.

FINE. I hear what you say. Life is not fair anyway.

Being a girl, the only, or the youngest one, sucks. No wonder I don't like losing to guys.

*Oh, incidentally, as a side note, Hako Iri Musame is a popular puzzle. I hit on tons of them when researching... even came across a programming code for the game.
** Here is a definition from Kanji-Step.com website: "Boxed daughter/Hakoiri Musume: A daughter, who is raised very carefully and even hardly let go out as if she was a treasure that is kept in a box, away from getting broken or dirty."