Downturn of Events

I was initially going to post an upbeat entry today. One that mattered. Something that made a difference. The day started out quite nice,... one that was hopeful...

I cannot bring myself to come up with the right words to say how I feel right now. Empty. A water hole with no drop of substance. She was there. I did not know her. I did not see her. No one did. But she only came to BE, when she died.

Yes.... Everything drained away... earlier tonight. No one cared. No one seemed to care. I do not understand... Why? Why would someone would cut off all ties and decide to end their lives?

When they did, did they have their eyes open? did they have their eyes closed? Did they wonder how it would feel like? Falling across the expanse of the stars, each one watching intently, behind the gaze of the full bright moon, as winds whipped and flared across their faces, falling faster and faster?

Did they desperately hope that finally, the earth would wrap herself around their shoulders, and finally cradle them to peace?

... do ... I ... understand?....


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....
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.... maybe ... I .... do....


Yes... Loneliness is a soft, silent world. A constant droning at the background, never once ceasing. A place where the entirety of the world is illuminated by lone stars, as lonely.. each of them sparkling, each its own tune... all watching, all waiting.. and yet, they are as far away from where you are, as you are with them. It is a world where all eyes are intent - on you, and you alone. But not always. They all shine differently, at different times, at their own whims, at their convenient time. And the moon... always looks across, in a stern, solid tone, lasting forever, illuminating everything in the world. And yet, it does not lighten the darkness enveloping around. Shadows lurk in corners amongst concrete, never reaching out. The heart will be always in the dark, as silent, and as black as it is naturally is where loneliness rules... and the wind... will always be dead. The silence.. deafening.


Yes, there will be a smile when the wind whips across her face. There will be hesitation, regret, hurt, bleeding... and yet ... an anticipation of everlasting peace. Yes, the deadness will be gone then... so will the droning, to be replaced by whistling of pure, live air. The stars will stop their incessant sparkling, for a pure, solid moment, and all will stop to be finally intent on you. Yes, mother earth will reach out once you see that the ground is moving as fast towards you, and you would want to rush towards it.

And... they will all have their eyes... closed... but it will be as open as it will ever be, during those last few moments:


"Anticipation. Hope. Rest. Peace... and everything that has been taken away from me..."


When all hope has gone, everything will be waiting on the other side. A grand welcome. A soft sad smile..

Was there no one there? Where were the people who were replaced by the loneliness? Where were the living stars that surrounded her? Did they all concentrate on their petty, daily lives, as if everything was important, except for a small, crumbling soul? Did they grow up to learn that all can fend for themselves, when maturity sets in? Did society start teaching us that everything else was more important, except for babies that could not yet walk, old men and women who could barely help themselves...?

Life never ceases until Death stops us at our doors. Life is always about learning, whether one is 1,15 or 60 years of age. Whatever made us all think, that a 49 year old woman, can withstand better than a crying new born babe?

All of us cry inside. We all just don't show it.

No one should ever live in loneliness... not in this world, or the next.