Can I Be Invisible, Please?

Its strange how some people want to be famous. They want to be recognized, they want to be known. At some point in time, many of our Hollywood actors have probably dreamt of being recognized; recognized by their peers, directors, casting directors - This helps to get the job on the journey to being famous. Shown in television, shown in movies, shown in glamour magazines, shown in newspapers and weeklies - more revenue, more money, more power. Shown in gossip ads, shown in tabloids, shown in Hello! and Entertainment Weekly - extremely popular and privately intrusive, but still tolerated.

I find the opposite true for myself. I'd want to be recognized, but when recognized, I feel kind of embarrassed about myself and just want to shrink back and disappear. Some people can handle it very well - they're the ones who accept compliments humbly and criticisms gracefully and honestly. They're the great people. But.. the attention. Does that ever happen to you?

I had my own version of being recognized today... funny, but I seem to have dressed up today in long sleeved t-shirt that had enough body coverage to hold off the cold office air (I usually have a jacket in the office during normal days).

So... First time I didn't wear my jacket in a long while right after I started working out.

And also the first time I felt that people started to talk behind my back. Well, ok "talking behind my back" is kind of negative connotation. Theirs are more positive. In the morning I was minding my own business and I see a couple of my office mates grouped together and talking glances at my direction. I didn't really mind it at that time. But it got a little irritating during lunchtime.

One of my officemates, Amy, approached me and asked if I lost weight. I said yes 10 pounds (I wasn't being a braggart, I was just telling the truth).

You may probably have thought 10 pounds seems like a lot. Its actually not, when you consider other dieters who can lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks (of course, most of this would usually be water... its almost impossible to lose 10 pounds of fat in 2 weeks unless you starve youself to the extreme) So I don't really think much of it when I said I lost 10 pounds. Its probably 10 pounds of fat in my case, but most people (even myself) can't distinguish this, but the point is, saying that you "lost 10 pounds" isn't really something unachievable.

Then she asked me how I lost the weight, and for how long. That's fine by me. And then the next thing I knew, right after our conversation, when I was already minding my own business and eating my lunch, Amy called me right over to her place to tell and show another officemate, Moon, how much weight I lost. Take note, I wasn't doing any talking, I was just standing there and trying to smile. But it sort of felt uncomfortable since I felt like a "model" in a observation box. Not the nicest feeling in the world.

And then, another funny thing in our conversation is, she said that she mentioned my "noticeable" change to another officemate, Karen, and Karen merely said it must be because I got a new haircut.

Uhm, you mentioned this to another officemate again? That makes 3 of you talking about me behind my back.

And then.. after 10 minutes, another officemate, Anne, stopped me (Honestly, they rarely stop me. I just mind my own business, they mind theirs, we don't really "chit chat". Its not that we're being rude to each other, but we just have a lot to do and nothing much in common. Its a mutual understanding, and there's definitely no cold war). She mentions the same thing, and calls out to another person to take notice, and they both comment while I just insanely stand there and smile politely.

Then there was this thing with Lisa, the assistant to the CEO. She noticed too. And she was probably talking it out with the Admin and Accounting managers, that's why there were looking at my way the whole morning when they were bundled together.

Ok, you must think by now I'm absolutely stupid. I should be happy with the attention, cause it means that my gym sessions are paying off. That's fine. But it just feels weird that the compliments are coming from people who are not close to me at all. In fact the other day my close friends did comment, and that was fine, still needs getting used to, but not so awkward. But these aren't, and I'm getting a big amount of attention -- and honestly? It makes me feel conscious, jittery, and it doesn't feel very comfortable. I already know I got thin, but to be asked to model around to officemates (that you don't know in a very close and personal level), and be complimented and commented on ... well, its just extremely embarrassing for me. I mean, I'm sure they're all just being nice.. but its just how I deal with these compliments and attention. It feels extremely severe and uncomfortable.

Right after lunch, I've started to bite my nails and squirm and slouch at my seat, hoping to disappear already. Extremely uncomfortable, and extremely embarrassing. Thank goodness today was a Friday... when it hit 5pm, I immediately left the office and went to curl up in the comforts of my own room. Invisible. Phew. I never thought I'd be glad to be out of anyone's sight.

Ever felt the way that I did? Strange, huh?