I wished to live deliberately, also

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately,
to front only the essential facts of life,
and see if I could not learn what it had to teach,
and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

I did not wish to live what was not life,
living is so dear;
nor did I wish to practise resignation,
unless it was quite necessary.

I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life,
to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life,
to cut a broad swath and shave close,
to drive life into a corner,
and reduce it to its lowest terms,

and, if it proved to be mean,
why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it,
and publish its meanness to the world;
or if it were sublime,
to know it by experience,
and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

-David Henry Thoreau (1817-1862)

Something that I have had on my table since 3-4 years ago... ignored and neglected, until I realized recently how much it means for me. Why live life as if , to your arrogance, it were your right to have one, but live it as if, to your open mindedness, realize you own it and yet know nothing of it.

Old, New and Being Impractical

Its never easy to welcome the new, ... when it means that you have to say goodbye to the old.

When you spend most of your life trying to make other people happy or adjusting yourself so that people don't get disappointed, its very difficult to do something that is completely the opposite of what you have been doing since... well, since the start.

I've realized that its quite easy to compromise when you don't have an opinion on things. Its so easy to say yes to someone, and also say yes to the others with different perspective, as long as it doesn't touch the obvious black and white of morals of good and bad. Its so easy to tell your boss, "its ok for me to work late, I don't have anyone to go home to" and also still have the freedom to say "its ok for me to leave office early, they don't really need me in the office, I have backup" to your family.

When you start taking preference over certain things... "gym over work, gym over boyfriend, gym over family". Then something happens within the family, and you realize that you have to realign your priorities. It now becomes "gym over work, family over gym.... or gym over family.. hmm I can't decide". Its the same as the realization that I prefer taking the bus or taxi over the subway, anytime. A preference to jog in the park rather than to tire away in the treadmills. A distinction to notice the conditions when it is a good time to jog even though I am quite tired. A value to call my boyfriend up even though he completely never remembers that I did call him the night before, over the choice that I just don't call him, period.

Maybe this is what they call stating your individuality. Or expressing your beliefs. Or standing be your principles. The most important part is that I would have consciously realized what I want, and take action based on that. You could say, I've just started to flex my responsibility...

And to my satisfaction,... yes. Happier. Satisfied. Less lost, or confusion....

And now the playing field just got bigger. I realized something that I really wanted, and because of that, I had to head on contradict against many things that seemed to "work well" before. And because the stakes are bigger, the differences are more obvious than ever.

The consequences? A lost friend. A seemingly "marred" reputation. A reason no one can seem to understand. "Disloyalty". Coming off a bit crazy to most people. Callous. Self centered. To certain extremes, my sanity and practicality is probably questioned by some people, at this very moment.

I've lost normalcy... And yet, although I feel remorse of losing what once was, to such an extreme case..... I quite feel very much on solid ground.

Yes. "And to my satisfaction,... yes. Happier. Satisfied. Less lost, or confusion...."

Because I knew what I really needed to make me happy. Maybe even state that I may have found my vocation in life, the one where I know I can be happy and dedicate a major part of my life to. And I made a conscious decision, by myself, to do whats needed to be done, for myself, and not for other people.

I don't mind coming off as crazy and a lunatic, but the only thing I feel sad about it, is losing a friend over this. But I hope maybe he will understand why I had to do what I did, and I will have the fruits to show that what I did wasn't motivated greed or self-centeredness, but that I do have a path and a plan that's worth fighting the world for.