On Sea Dragons, Ents and Nobel Peace Prize Winners

An Adventure of the Gastronomical Kind

2012-01-02T12:23:00.006+08:00

"Would you like to add extra cheese on your burger, Ma'am?"

I've always brushed off an invitation for cheese. I remember its awful, salty taste that didn't really help with my order of burgers or tacos back in the days when I was still a kid - it just added more salt, that's all. Extra cheese on my pizza order? No thank you. Other people seem to enjoy huge amounts of it on their pizza, but not me. I never liked it, didn't want to have anything to do with it, and it gives me that sickening, indigestion problem that I suspect comes with the fat content. Sugars I can handle.. but fat? The same goes for my orders with beef, fried rice, stir fried beef with flat rice noodles - it never ends up comfortably in my stomach without causing an uncomfortable feeling and a whole-day-long digestive problem.

At least, not until recently.

Through a fortunate set of circumstances, my partner and I met a Frenchman during our hiking trip to Annapurna Circuit in Nepal, which brought about this post. He was doing a round the world trip and decided to pass by to Hong Kong recently, where we extended our hospitality to cook dinner for each other, highlighting each of our cultural background. Our friend decided to make a typical french dinner which he would normally prepare for himself - It consisted of a 4 course meal: a simple tomato vinaigrette salad, panfried salmon with lemon sauce with a white wine pairing, a cheese course together with red wine pairing, and a splendid lemon meringue pie that was definitely something that's not to be missed.

Out of all that, what had the strongest impression was the cheese course. That night our friend decided to initiate us with three cheeses as a primer: a cream cheese base, encrusted with peppercorns (Rambol), cows milk base called Saint Albray, and ewe based Roquefort Societe. To pair with that, we bought some french baguette from one of the better local bakeries in town, and red wine to complement.

I've passed by one of the more upscale supermarkets in Hong Kong, with its full line of cheese and ham selections, in full bewilderment, and yet also with faint curiosity, and even sometimes, mild amusement. As any upscale supermarket cheese section goes, sometimes anyone would wonder why they would dedicate a section just for it, with cheeses of all shapes and sizes, big or small, crusted, semi crusted, moldy, holey, whatever. And I finally found out the reason why that night.

I wasn't greeted with the extreme saltiness that I've so often associated with cheeses. Those are the days long past. What I was initiated with, was an assortment of different subtle tastes and textures - aromatic, subtle, pungent, strong, soft, grainy, velvetly. By far my favorite in terms of character was the Roquefort - it is a blue cheese that has a semi hard texture, its flavor profile starting off with sweet, then pungent, followed by salty and finally having a deep smoky and salty aftertaste - It's almost like the earthiness taste of wild mushroom and truffles, together with the robust savoriness of an excellent quality steak. To be honest, I think if I had to live off something for the rest of my life, Roquefort would be a good choice. One would hardly miss eating beef when they have that in their repertoire of dishes!

Our second cheese selection, Rambol, was interesting, to say the least. It is cream cheese based, but as it has been seasoned and encrusted with black peppercorns, gives of the strong, spicy and slightly nutty flavor of the peppercorns to counter the creamy, smooth texture of the basic cream cheese base. As for the Saint Albray, it is classified as soft cheese, with its characteristic flavor profile distinctive from the first two: lightly springy but still spreadable texture, with a delicate, clean flavor of rich, quality milk and some slight aftertaste of butteriness. This was actually my overall favorite of the 3 - you can probably have tons of the Saint Albray without getting sick of it, with its mild and clean taste, whereas the Rambol and Roquefort would be something you should only take in small quantities - something to have and appreciate slowly, like eating durian (ok maybe not everyone likes this) or having a rich, thick cup of cocoa or shot of espresso.

So after a night to remember, with good home cooked food, wine (unfortunately I cannot tell if this was any good, I am a bit of a blind bat with alcohol - but our French friend did enjoy it), a nice introduction to French cheeses and a sweet and tangy lemon meringue pie, out sprung our interest and curiosity of a different kind. This delectable dairy milk by-product is no longer synonymous to saltiness - With a section full of cheese to choose from, the next trip to the supermarket is likely going to be as adventurous as the first time with our beloved Frenchman!

Bon Appetit!

Who Would've Thought!

2011-12-27T22:10:00.002+08:00

Ending a career and starting a new one is no easy feat. After 10 years in the IT scene, I've decided I would help this world more by switching into something that I've set aside since my university days - something that is probably as impractical as reinventing the wheel, when everyone else has already sped past the industrial revolution and running on steroids with their fancy IPhones (but what would you know - they still need energy, and a major part of our energy source today is from coal and petroleum. Huh! )

There's no connection between my previous and upcoming career, if you would call it that ... I'm starting from scratch. Even my dad referred me to my niece this morning as "your stupid aunt". Its called Meteorology, Dad. And yes, its not going to earn me and decent bread and butter, unlike my previous corporate, red-tape ridden, politically-charged, high-paying job. I owned the financial world, gawd knows. One tap with my keyboard, and I'll probably let loose gazillions of lost $$$ for one of the major global financial institutions. That's a lot to handle, my friends. Its boring work to let a handful of rich corporations and institutions earn more money, let alone the company I work for. Don't get me wrong, my colleagues were uber nice, but I couldn't stand the whole idea the finance world is built on. My significant other may think otherwise, but we have a healthy, debate engaging relationship anyways. Its FINE.

Speed bump ahead though. A few personal issues has grossly sidetracked my glorious plan to volunteer the entirety of my personal life (including childbearing) to the emerging scientific world. I didn't say my plan was easy, but it irked me to know that even at such an early stage, I would get derailed even before I could say "atmospheric pressure".

And then, here I am, supporting yet another BUSINESS, one that ventures into profit making without any direct consideration for issues that really matter (seriously, what could be more important than scores decimated by roaring tornadoes or killer hurricanes) Never-the-mind. Lets all earn pots-of-golds and hoard them in our high security vaults - As you can see, I don't have very high regard for profit organizations of any kind. :P

And so then, I'm back to handling the IT part of the business. I'm doing a slow job, but I'm sure I'll do a great job. I'm an obssessive compulsive, backup-and-contingency centric, neurotic worker, and what could be better than THAT combination, especially for someone who works with databases. At least I am not supporting a global financial corporation which have no care on which peon they're stepping on. I've got a major shareholder's right to hold this business by the horns and turn it into the direction _I_ want (ok, maybe not the sole major shareholder, but my voice will be heard, that's for sure) if it starts stepping on the little man's toes.

I'm not quite sure if I should be happy with the current situation.. but I hope I finish my work and obligations and get on with what's important - sans politics and the evil money. Lets hope I get to hit the barometer sooner than later, and not when I'm dead. Join my crazy ride to the nobel peace prize road, will you? I'll make sure you have an interesting one!

Wanderlust (Reprised)

2009-10-10T23:26:00.008+08:00

She looks down at her feet in concentration. One step at a time. She regulates her pants, in measured beats.

One, two.. heave. One, two... heave. One, two... heave. One, two... <...fade out...>

In some not so distant edge, she can hear voices. Three distinct ones, definitely. Arguing.

"Do you think we should tell her...?"
"Stop prattling, you're supposed to go THATAWAY!"
"I don't think you're supposed to be hitting my head like that..."

She shouldn't mind them. She should keep on holding her regular pants, using it as an anchor. Then, she doesn't have to think about how difficult all this climbing is. She just needs to get to the top. Up. The Top.

Yes. Have to go UP. GO UP.

One step at a time, she thinks. Just look down. Concentrate.
She's making sure she doesn't step on a loose gravel. She hates loose gravel... A LOT. She doesn't want to slip, like the last time.

"Quit doing that, you're jabbing your elbow at me. And it doesn't help that you're also trying to hit my windpipe..."
"Stop whining and try to concentrate!"
"Hmm. Was it something like lllllmora? Elmora? Elvira? ..."

She tries to propel herself forward and upwards. One, two ... heave. One, two... heave. Beads of sweat starting to form on her forehead.

How come she's having such a hard time? What was she doing again?
Oh. Yes, concentrate.

"What the heck are you doing???"
"SHUT UP, will you? I'm trying to pee!"
"I know I've heard it somewhere before, uh, guys....do you know...?"

Too much noise. She squints and squirms and tries to shut out her ears. She heaves and pants louder, harder. Have to block those voices. Very irritating. Why do they have to be dogging her so close? She knew she should've trained more. If she did, then she'd definitely have left these guys to bite the dust.

"I wonder what mom will say if I manage to get myself a tattoo..."
"Supercalifrage... ler....err... hm. How many characters is that word anyways?"
"STOP IT. DON'T Steal FROM ME!"

Oh. Yes.
Pant.
How distracting.

"Should remember to pay for the electric bills. Yes."
"DAMMIT, stop DOING thAT!!!"

She counts louder, in her head.

"one, two, ... HEAVE. One, TWO ... HEAVE..."
"ONE TWO, HEAVE...."

"What's pi again? 3.14 what?"
"I wonder if bears roam around here... "
"Are you trying to be daft? OF COURSE!"

Beads.
"ONE,."
"TWO,.."
"HEAVE...."

"Wait! wait!"
"What the---"
"....."

".... Ohh."
"What a beautiful spot. Hey you! LOOK!"
"Pssst! FsSSTT! Who-AAAA! YOU!"

She sees a flash of red at the edge of her vision, towards the left. A familiar, deep lovely scent of wind breezes through her. Instinctively, she slows down, and stops panting. She moves her eyes up, from the contours of her beaten, muddied shoe to eye-level.

She looks, smiles, and forgets everything else.

Somewhere from the back of her head, one of those noisy participants, lightly supplements the silence. "It doesn't get better than this, does it?" she whispers.

She nods.
Everyone agrees in silence.

... Savor it...

Gym Progress 2009.04

2009-04-19T01:01:00.005+08:00

Got to catch up. I think I may have missed some good classes for the holidays, but I figured, not too much either. Bibi was on vacation last week, anyways, and cancelled the Friday and Sunday classes.

I got back from vacation on Tuesday morning, but wanted to spend some quality time with my SO. He was going to leave this coming Thursday - I figured, I could go all out after he leaves. *snicker* So I just opted to skip Tuesday noon and Wednesday night.

Its amazing how some factors now come into play that weren't used to be there before. I guess that's only more motivation to make sure I can juggle and balance them all.. there's going to be more juggling later - I might as well try the beginner juggling act now. I am SUCH a considerate person (hello SO. I hope you are reading this. You are forever indebted now.)

So here I am.. making my way through the week. Second time for partner step on Friday. I thought I was going solo, but ended up with another partner (strangely, Dom wasn't around for a while, it seems). I cant remember her name though - she's the nice woman with chinky eyes that was always with another girl with zig-zaggedy hair. I've always thought they were sisters.

I skipped a possible session with Jason on Saturday in CWB, but for a good reason - I got a much needed haircut. Split ends can get really irritating, and I was losing a lot of hair at a very fast daily rate. Clumps and clumps and clumps. I swear, I'm not sure why I haven't gone bald yet. SO complains about my hair all about the house... but its not my fault, is it? I blame it on genetics, and wash my hands of any contribution on my part! (hehehehe).

Its probably for the best anyway... I was drenched from head to toe that afternoon, after finishing the haircut. I'll probably write a separate post about it later.

Also.. Bibi's HILO class? Never fails to give me a smile. I was pushed up the first row (you can say it was the experts' row) for the first time, since the regulars seemed to have gone MIA, but it was a class well worth it. AWESOME.

Fri (HL,ASM): Bibi,Bibi
Sat (SM): Calvin
Sun (SM, HL): Jason, Bibi

My Childhood, Revisited

2009-04-14T00:12:00.005+08:00

This has been one of the milestone trips of my life.

There are many stories and a past behind my Easter trip's destination this year. It is a place where I grew up and defined a big part of who I am. Just like how I grew up in the Philippines, and just like how I grew up in Hong Kong. I've always thought that I was an odd person out amongst my peers. Most of the time I lived my own world, and in this place I do relive some of those sentiments.

Where are you going this long holiday break, my Hong Kong colleagues asked.
"I'm going to pray."
Oh? to Taishan?
"No. I will be going to 南海."
[Pause]
... Where is that?

I've always thought that the place was bigger than life. It was a sacred place of worship for Buddhists, where pious people had to travel to, at least once in their lives. The island is imbued with temples, every nook and cranny of the very small island, with tales of Guanyin and her history, within this island. God knows, it takes a considerable amount of energy, time and patience to get there before. Almost 25 years ago.

The first time I set foot in 普陀山, I was barely 5 years old. There were no conveniences then. You had to travel by train for at least 2 days, and switching from train to train, having to sleep in a chair (or sometimes, possibly the floor) shoulder to shoulder beside throngs of people eating watermelon seeds and spewing the shell on the floor, smoking their brains out, and being moronously nasty and rude. Yes, I had to go through that as a 4 year old. Finally arriving at 寧波, from there, you had to take a long, slow boat ride - if memory serves, 12 hours - to get to the small mystical island.

You had to be faithful and avoid all meats and fish a week prior - a full vegetarian diet - to be able to be worthy of setting foot in the island and being true to its beliefs.

There were no clear roads back then - so rough hiking was required just to get to a temple. It was a long hike lasting days, going from temple to temple, saying prayers and burning incense. It was no easy feat, either. You literally had to climb mountains to get to your destination. My mom had me and my brothers in tow during one trip, and now that I further think about it, that in itself was a miracle and a testament to my mother's determination. We were all barely adolescents at that time.

During my first trip, I couldn't hike, since I was too small, so they had to employ 2 people to carry a transportable chair to carry me through the mountains. It was quite embarrassing, since I was pretty much more than eye level than everyone else - carried around like a king. But there wasn't many pilgrims back then. It was a quiet countryside, where prayers were done solemnly and in silence, and so I was able to only cook my embarrassment by myself with no more than a few laughs and odd glances.

We lived inside the 普濟禪寺 monastery each time. The rooms were wooden and cold, back then. Sleeping happens at 6pm, waking up at 3am, and a morning prayer at 4am. I remember I loved the food there, and the weather was always spectacular - it was always cool and slightly windy, and the vegetables always felt like they were all freshly taken out of the ground and straight into the pan. Everyone was polite and reverent ... it was like stepping into another magical world. The vegetables were nothing like those you found anywhere else in China, were they've probably been grown for their economic value - money, rather than the quality. The vegetables in 普陀山 looked like they were taken care of, very carefully and lovingly, because the ones who will be consuming them would be the monks themselves.

I remember many of their faces, but none of their names. There would always be one monk to accompany us to all the temples in the island. They helped us, and lead us the way, and I've grown to love and be accustomed to many of them, always remembering them with a soft spot. They were always patient. I wished I could have taken photos with each of them, every year that I went there, afterwards. Even if I could not remember their names, then at least their faces wouldn't be so blurry to me, in my memory.

But I always remember one in particular... I think he was there at the beginning. He was the one who greeted and welcomed me everytime. He was from a province near Shanghai. I'm not quite sure actually why I always remember him, but I always do, and with a tender fondness. He was always the teaching, wise old sage that tries to nurtures calm to a young child. He was the one thing that reminded me of Putuoshan.

Fast forward to 2009. I have not been there for many years since I have graduated university, and started working. It now takes less than 4 hours to get from Hong Kong border to 舟山 via a plane ride, and a quick 15 minute ferry to 普陀山. There are cars to drive you to most of the major temples, and you would be able to get to most of them within a day, and be back by Monday in time for work. Students and tourists come on the weekends, ferry loads of them, like the place was a tourist attraction. An abomination in my book.

Where have the reverence, piety and silence gone?

And yet, this is the first year that I will be coming not as a child, or an adolescent, or a teenager, or a working yuppie, but as a wife to a husband. The roads and paths are different, the atmosphere's different, the people are different, if not overwhelming in number. Even the newer, younger monks look grumpier than usual.. but in a deplorable, angsty, modern sense. (Trust me, there were nasty monks back then. Butwhen I say nasty, I mean, really "get out of the shrine and the head monk's way, or I will kick you 10 feet from here - I'm SERIOUS" kind of nasty.) It was all very depressing.

But before then end of the trip... I've had the fortunate chance to met with the sagely, kind old monk. I may have grown taller, and matured with age, but I always remember being a child when I do meet him - I have grown much, and and so has he, but our relation has not. I met him again, with my husband... and, he is still the sage, and I, the young 4 year old child. He may look like he is aging - and yes, he has been sickly a few years back with some serious health problems - but I was happy to see him this year looking quite healthy and looking as much like I remembered him when I was 4. And then, I was relieved from my worries.

普陀山 has changed - the place may have been transformed to a concrete, infrastructured place like any other city in the Mainland, with even hotels to boot - but the quintessential anchor has not. I am glad, that despite the new faces and younger generation of monks - even they seem hasty and modern to me - the memory that I've always known, are still there. The heart of the place remains the same, as it was back when I was a child. No one will touch that.

Gym Progress 2009.03

2009-04-12T01:10:00.002+08:00

Not much for this week. I have an up and coming Easter trip starting Thursday, so that rules out this week's weekend classes, as well as Wednesday night, where I had to prepare for my "luggage" in preparation for the next day - I still DO have work then.

I did miss out on Jason though.. I was running late from the office and tried to ask Dom to grab me a BP space, but found out he wasn't attending either. So I swapped it with a BP class in Whampoa so I could make it in time. It could be better.... but its alright.

Got to get back next week!

Mon (BP): Diana

Gym Progress 2009.02

2009-04-05T01:03:00.003+08:00

This is the week I started with weights again. I've been looking forward for it for a few days already.. I couldn't wait to get off work just to start pumping again. The plan? get my back straight, my paunch gone, my leg muscles with more support for steps, and the ultimate goal - to get into my gym attire clothes again. No way am I going to spend additional money just to buy the same clothes but in a bigger size. I think I've already spent a small fortune getting the old size clothes - God knows, some of them I haven't even used yet.

I mean, seriously... I used to do this 15 hours a week, every day of the week. I never used the home bathroom anymore, back then. I was just taking a bath in the gym on a daily basis... hahaha It does have its good points - less laundry (the gym provides a set), complimentary shampoo, conditioner, soap and lotion... even the ear buds are included :P Point being.. I have enough gym clothes to last me a week. And some more. That's how MUCH clothes I had.

I was also in preparation for the coming onslaught of pain right after. Or should I say, on the day after. So I even scheduled an "early" leave on Wednesday to get some rest.. and right on the dot, I could barely concentrate at work on Wednesday. I was really aching all over.

Well, despite that, I obviously skipped Jason's Wednesday class. I could barely lift myself by 4pm that day. No way I can attend his class now.

Come Friday, I attended my very first Friday morning class again, with the usual routine. At night, the first time without my usual partner, I duo-ed with Dom. Not bad, not bad. :)

And on Sunday.. no way I am going to miss out on a double Bibi class (she cancelled the previous advanced step class, and provided only the high lo nowadays). So I gave myself a break on Saturday to recuperate... besides, my SO was in town, and I do have to spend quality time with him that weekend (at least, until Sunday afternoon :P)

So, as before... :

Mon (BP,SM): Gavin,Jason
Fri (HL,ASM): BiBi,Bibi
Sun (HL,SM): Bibi, Bibi

To Describe A Quaint Mystery (Hiro Leaves)

2009-04-01T23:21:00.005+08:00

Hiro has left.

How to celebrate a relation that was as strange as it was fleeting? It wasn't quite the typical acquaintance, nor was it the best of buddies, nor was it anything serious. Despite our typical tendencies to put a label on everything, I couldn't quite put borders on this one. It was greyed, but shone like a light rainbow. It had texture, grainy and pitch black on some sides, smooth and cool white on others. It had an irresistible charm, but not actually addictive. In fact, I would even say it did, AND did not have any form. It was quite a funny mystery. But humor me, let me try my best to explain something that seems as if cannot be explained:

There are many coincidences to explain our friendship: From the time we first met, 2 ludicrously inane people, noticing each other at the Central gym branch on a Saturday morning, surprised at meeting again an hour later at the other end of the Hong Kong port stretch - in Whampoa Garden - and another 2 hours later, finding ourselves face to face in Causeway Bay. From the time we bump into each other on a Sunday morning in Central, to an hour later in Tsim Sha Tsui, and 2 hours later, will meet at Mongkok again.

It's also the same when we met on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays... and back all over again.

After more than a few weeks of peeking suspiciously at each other, we finally did introduce ourselves. What was important was the fact that we began this little mystery, as separate, completely unrelated individuals. It wasn't that I was introduced by him, or anyone to take up all sorts of odd classes, or spend 15 hours a week in the gym. I just decided to. So did he. We lived a block from each other, both early risers, with regular rountines. So, two separate, seemingly different inviduals. Yet the only problem was, both individuals seem to keep ending up at the same places, all the time.

We didn't merely attend step classes. We attended all kinds - aerobics, bodypump, bodybalance, and even yoga. It didn't matter if it was beginners, intermediate, difficult or advanced level, we were there. When I think back on things, why this was so... I'd say we didn't dislike instructors and didn't prefer going only to a select few, but unbelievably, enjoyed each and every one of them. We liked the challenge of a variable environment.

When asked by other possibly discriminating gym rats how we found other instructors, we both smile and mention good points. Bad ones? They didn't seem to matter that much- it seemed to me that we both always had fun, which ever instructor we went to.

At times, we gave each other vacation gifts when we were away from the gym, a token of our coincidental friendship. Flower jasmine teas, crackers, dried mangoes, phone chains, Pocky sticks, handy black bags, false goat milk pills, stamina amino acid chewable pills, heating pads - all the little token you can think of, and maybe a little bit more along the way that I may have forgotten.

He is the only Japanese I've met that doesn't like sushi. He also doesn't eat raw beef, and doesn't drink sake, but enjoys chilli instead. He would say strange but funny trivia tidbits like sleeping from 10pm-2am will have enough sleep to last for the day, or... each Japanese family has 1.xx child - it was quite an exact figure, something that made it hard to put on straight face when you do hear it. He has a funny tote bag he brings to the gym, regularly containing different kind of books each time - fiction, English, Cantonese, language - and together with his amino acid pills, and his towering 1L Pocari sweat bottle. And, he is an avid fan of Phiten - he has one in his neck, and both his ankles. He has a good taste in music - he's introduced me to a couple, of which I all like.

He will be nice enough to offer you a space, and save you a space, too, if you were a mainstay... But even especially when you weren't one.

He is a traveler, an adventurous one, and tries to know more about a place when he does indeed arrive and stay.

He goes to great lengths to attend the gym, foregoing his appendix operation, similar to the time when I was obscenely sick and delirious, but still came in for a class - getting me in a row with my brother. He likes spinning around the step, as do I, and the first time he saw me, he told me that he wondered.. "who is that amazing but crazy girl who keeps on turning?"

In the end, we ended up as partners. I would boldly say, we were good together - we both had the same passion, fast pairs of feet, a love for spinning, and a similar style when it comes to steps. I think I should have known and suspected this from the start. No matter which instructor it was, multistep was always a treat with each other.

And before he left, we both had bad deteriorating knees. :)

We loved routines, trying out new things, that's why we always coincidentally met. Preparation, timing, efficiency, picking out the fastest path to a destination... Many of the things we seemed to have in common. But most of all, we treated everyone, including ourselves, and life, with that light-hearted, self deprecating humor. I've never met anyone who reacted the same way as I did. In some ways, it was bizzare.

We weren't two opposite sides of the same coin, but, in the beginning, the same side of two exactly the same coins - identical base etching, but weathered in different durations, passing between different hands. Yet in the end, still the same, fundamentally. And that's why we kept on crossing each other's paths - we end up in the same mint, same bank, side by side.

You'd think we'd end up really close, but we didn't either. We never purposely invited each other. It was an amazing series of coincidences. You can say we let the coincidences lead the way. We didn't decide anything towards each other, but decided by ourselves. We ended along the same path, and kept going on, keeping each other company. For almost 3 years. It was a wonder it lasted for so long.

But in time, I slowly got caught up in the stress and pressure of life. I drifted, yet he kept on. No more coincidences, ... but strangely enough, there was still, some. We would meet downstairs at our place. Or in the supermarket downstairs to my house. On a ferry. At a bus stop. It was strange...

Before the end, he did something unexpected. After such a long hiatus from me, he openly asked me to be there for the last Friday for partner step. And I broke my drift - after 6 months, I came back. It was the strangest thing. It was like a beckoning to come back to who I was before... I was miserably unhappy for many months, but when I did come back, I soon realized what I have forgotten. And how much those coincidences meant. He was my reflection - and he was not miserable now, but I am. How did I drift away so drastically from myself in such a short time, so quickly?

The friendship that was, and also was not. Definitive, yet vague. Action, but also inaction. How to describe its existence and non-existence? The only words I can use to define: it is one-of-a-kind, yet, gleeful mystery.

These days, there's no more reflection, but I don't need one anymore: I remember now how it was, and what makes it worth returning back to. To finally remember who I was, and should remain to be. Its the best lesson given, and learnt. Hiro taught me a good lesson, by being who he was - like me. He's going to be sorely missed, though :)

And The Niceness Still Goes On / Gym Progress 2009.01

2009-03-29T23:06:00.004+08:00

Today isn't bad either. Not what I expected, but still, I'm ok.

Sentimentality could be very depressing. I planned to watch a movie today, but missed my ride by a few seconds - and had to wait for 20 more minutes for the next one. So much for wasted huffing and puffing. Nevertheless, I got to the cinema just in time. It was quite a movie - called Departures. Its the best foreign language movie for this year's Oscar Awards.

HAhaha.. and then I made a lot of detours after that. Sentimental ones, remembering I used to pass by CWB on the way to Central on Sundays.... ok, but that's beside the fact.

I made detours - Unplanned, and some related to stupidity and forgetfulness. I was originally planning to get to a weights class today, but since I had time, I bought a book, picked up 4 books from the library, tried to catch the ferry ... which I did, and then when I arrived, realized that I dont have my house keys, so I went back to Hong Kong island and back to the office to pick up the extra set of keys.... and then realized I had the keys all along.

To make things short, I lugged 6 books all around Hong Kong for nothing, and as a result, missed the weights class. Drat.

But now I had extra time in my hands - which got busy cooking for a good lunch, pruning my plant nursery, reading my books, doing laundry, and finally cooking up the mung bean dish, and with a flash of last minute insight, ended up also with chicken and vegetable soup, freshly cooked.

So I sit here at night, ... still sentimental, but contented. Breathing's bearable, it seems. And its not quite the fault of the world I've been having bad days, weeks and months. Maybe its just myself.

Wed(SM): Jason
Fri (ASM): Bibi
Sat (SM): Calvin

Testing testing

2009-03-29T08:44:00.001+08:00

Trying our blogging from iPhone. <E>
let's see how this works if I enter sentences longer than 1 line.

I want to figure out how blogger will handle some basic formatting
with this

new interface. Too bad I can't bold and italicize fonts at the moment.

Huh, very reminicient of my very first post.

Testing testing one two three!

Sent from my iPhone

A Nice Saturday

2009-03-28T23:59:00.000+08:00

Its been sometime since I've had quite a relaxing weekend. Long nights, stressful days, pressure, responsibilities have been coming on week by week. I guess I've run out of time when I can just schedule what I needed to do, and actually do it. Instead, I've just been chasing backlogs.

Saturday didn't come out exactly how I planned it to be; I wanted to head to the office to finish some work, and spend the rest of the day in the gym. But I had a long early morning session just trying to upload pictures and videos, I ended up sleeping at 5am and woke up at 11am.

Nevertheless, I was able to head off to the gym (which sweated my @$$ off, this being comparatively better to the previous weeks, where I didn't break a sweat. After wards, I hopped off to Hong Kong island to visit my family, got to complete my office work, with just about enough time to get some mung beans in the nearby market (there IS a dish I love... I used to go to my university's cafeteria every Friday just so I can have it). Finally, I arrived just home in time to prepare for Earthhour 2009, March 28, 2009 20:30 local time.

The weather was foggy the whole day, and slightly drizzling. But eventually I decided to see what the city has to offer for the event. I headed off to TST pier with my camera.. I didn't quite get as much as I'd like (I AM an amateur with just a normal DC camera, after all) but I was a great walk. I've missed being out for so long.

I've been so tired lately.

But not today. With only 5 hours of sleep (and as well as less than 5 hours everyday for the past week) I trodded along the pier. It was nice to feel the wind against my face. These days I felt like my features have been corroded by a tired disposition, and a perpetual I'm-almost-depressed-dying-and-down-by-the-dumps mask. I've been having terrible headaches, and sore, tired eyes. Its not a sunny sight to see.

Yes, but not today.

Sentimental, yet still calm and slightly jubilant, I walked ahead.

Maybe its because I had a plan for myself for the rest of the weekend. Maybe its just the cool wind and the salty sea air. Maybe its because of all the people trying to enjoy a shot of the dark Hong Kong skyline. Maybe it was the thought of seeing so many people supporting Earth hour, or maybe its because I know I did my part, closed all the lights at home, and actively went out to find out what I can do not to expend energy. Maybe it was because I had a good sweat out earlier today. Maybe its because I spent time with my family.

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

In some ways, things didn't go exactly as I planned, but... still, things still came out alright.

Maybe its actually ok to just breathe.

This hiatus ends now

2009-03-26T23:20:00.003+08:00

The world's gone through a financial breakdown, Lehman already a goner, governments running around trying to save companies, bankers losing their jobs, Heath Ledger's been given a post humous award, drug companies in Hong Kong getting the round up from the Health department, and I'm back.

I've been pretty much running amok, too. Major preparations, house cleaning, nursery planting, frantic work catching, to name a few. A friend has left for his hometown a few days ago, ending a 3 year partnership that has had its very high UPs, and a couple of downs - He will be sorely missed.

Health seems to be a steady decline, with sore knees, crackling backs, muscle tight neck and shoulders, extremely itchy eyes, and skull splitting headaches that come and go. Fat content is getting to an all time high, and its a good time as ever to get back to how things were, before all of this started.

First goal of this hiatus ending post: a half marathon run by mid March next year. I've delayed this goal long enough, its high time the record be set straight.

Please tune in for latest updates on this news breaking story.

Parting is such sweet sorrow

2008-11-30T01:53:00.002+08:00

We say goodbyes everyday.

To the siblings and parents we leave behind, to go off to school. To the classmates and colleagues we encounter, that we expect to see them again tomorrow. To lovers, who deliver goodbyes in parting, hoping that such words needn't be. To friends, to family, to the people we care about.

Today I leave behind two people who have been there for me when I needed help the most. They have been there when I was lonely, been there when I was sad, been there when I was ecstatic with joy, and been there ... when there was nothing special at all to be said.

I met them both today. It was not meant to be a special meeting... but just merely a mudane meeting with friends. A typical day for a typical reason, in a typical setting.

But now, I am glad.

Both of them will not be able to come to join in an upcoming milestone in my life, soon. Each have their own reasons, said or unsaid. I desperately wish they could, because now I realize how much important they are, in my life.

Life is strange. It takes so little to bring happiness, so little to bring despair, so little to bring hope... But it only happens to the people who are the most important for you.

We spent the day together... in the very typical manner. But when it was time to part ways, I was consumed with emotion. Very little needed to be said... both looked and realized that they will not be there, when they should be. Two heartfelt goodbyes, coupled with two heartfelt hugs, with no words said - because they were not required. It was a true relation, in many sense of the word.

I've cried so many times when I had to part with my boyfriend... just a mere happenstance of a plane ride, or a brief absence. Words will almost always never be said - they are implicitly understood.

On that day, they will go their own way, while I share my happiness with so many others... yet it is something that they rightfully should have a chip of.

I now beheld the hope of hearing the words, when that parting has been put back together in a circle. The day when I will come back, firm on my steps, and I will softly tell both of them,

"....ta dai ma."

And when they respond back, it will be the sweetest words that I will hear.

On Routines

2008-11-17T23:00:00.003+08:00

Alrighty, people. I need some inspiration, and I need it fast.

What do you do, when you decide one day that it is about time to write another blog post... and yet, you don't really have anything to write about.

Its not exactly a writer's block. I mean, I'm NOT a writer in the first place. At least in any formal, official sense. Actually, probably not even in the vaguest sense of the word.

I was thinking of writing about love, but that is so cliche. Eccentricity is a good choice, but there's hardly is any at the moment to feed my obssessive compulsiveness. I was originally planning to write about the weather (and how it will be extremely cold tomorrow , at least for me) but it doesn't sound exciting enough.

Most of the time I start writing because I'm at my wits end - things like being still in the office at wee hours of the morning, or in a monumental depressive state due to sheer pressure, or naming new nephews with stupid names, or even a guide in buying air conditioners - just because I pretty much delved into the whole I-got-to-know-the-specs-and-built-an-aircon-myself kind of thing.

But pretty much at the moment, there's really natch.

Everything is preeeeeeetty mudane. I go to work (and there are some interesting things recently, but nothing worth noting in THIS blog), have lunch with friends and colleagues, keep working on many different little and big things, get myself worked up and harrassed, catch the ride to the ferry, get back home - where sometimes I pass by the supermarket downstairs to cook up something interesting - cook or reheat some leftovers, promptly wash the dishes, take a bath, chat, and go to sleep.

Ah. Eccentricity. I do seem to notice that I am obssessive about cleaning dishes. I think I like washing the dishes more than actually eating. I think it is the satisfaction that your plates, bowls, pots and pans are SQUEAKY clean - whereas half an hour ago it was loaded with oil.

In any case, it really isn't THAT exciting to begin with, to write out a post.

I mean, posts have to have some objective, some purpose... some meaning, right? And here I am, talking about nothing - about the normal, the mudane, the routine.

Is it actually mudane to have a post and a discussion on being mudane?

Hm.

Is Letting Go same as Giving Up?

2008-09-23T21:48:00.005+08:00

I've never been the one on giving up.

First thing that comes to mind, was my first relationship. On and off, arguments and fights, sorries and apologies - it was a horrifying experience, where pieces where desperately glued together. Hopes and imaginations run amok. The first time we broke it off, everything seemed surreal - It couldn't be happening. Maybe the phone would ring. Or I would receive a text message in a bit. Days passed to weeks, weeks to several months. Nothing.

I figured I might as well get on with my life.

Then he called back. Or was it me? I can't seem to remember. But we became friends... and things seemed alright. But after a few months... things started to get bad again. And I had to go through the same cycle all over again. It couldn't be real. Things seemed surreal. I'll wake up and find everything patched up - maybe. Three long years...

But it didn't.

A few months later, the second one came along. And it was short and sweet. But it turned surreal too. As surreal as it can get. I tried rationalizing this time, but failing miserably. A lot of wasted phone batteries, drama, hand burns and a broken wrist. But it was still surreal. But I eventually went back to real life, too.

But then, there was also the enclosed world that I lived in. Whenever I was debugging codes, finishing programming projects, figuring out Physics theories, calculating mathematical problems - time seemed caged into a loop. It was me, and the problem in front of me. No one could whisk me out of my reverie. That was surreal, too. I won't move until its done... and I would concentrate so much at I would jerk out of my seat when someone tapped me behind the shoulder.

Then philosophy came along, and launched an all out attack.

Absolutism. Escapism. Ideals. Sacrifice. Understanding. Value.

It made things so much worse, and so much harder. Now I had rationalism and logic to back up my previously immature stubborness. Why things should be the way they are. Why they aren't. What I could possibly do to attain it. What I had to endure. What I had to put up with. What I had to do to keep myself steady.

Now, I live in the surreal world all the time.

And I'm now back to where I started. When do you learn to know the best way is to let go? Is it synonymous to giving up? I don't want to give up. But is letting go about giving up? When do you decide that the best way to achieve the ideal, is to give up?

Stubborn streaks are hard to manage. Am I playing God? When you're a parent, when do you decide to stop sheltering your child and letting go so that they can learn by themselves? When do you stop to scold a teenage son to follow the things that you believe are right, learned though years of experience? When do you stop to show people what is right, and what is wrong, even if they end up not listening?

When do you begin to sacrifice your heart and mind to be broken, so as to hope that people learn?

Surreal, or reality?

What a Wonderful World

2008-09-09T02:13:00.004+08:00

Wow, amazing! It IS a wonderful world...

Courtesy of youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTSFhIv9bYg&feature=related

What a Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They're really saying I love you.

I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Miscommunication

2008-09-07T03:14:00.002+08:00

If I told you, "You are my friend, I treat you like my own", why do you think that I have betrayed you?
If I told you, "I love you", why do you still think that I have never paid attention?
If I told you, "I love you very much", why do you not believe me, and think that I only love you a little?
If you told me, "I DO love you", why do I think you have just used and taken advantage of me?

If right is right, and wrong is wrong, why do we have conflicts?
If love were always right and true, why is there always pain and suffering?
If life hit you with boulders and problems, one after the other, why have you cried out and mourned, "God, why have you forsaken me?"

If the words said were true and sincere, why does the other person always believes otherwise?

WHY?

Why do we spend our lives searching for happiness, when it is right in front of us? Why do we mourn at our state, when the sun rises in its beauty and glory, every day, for our whole lives? Why do we live to get what we want, when what we need is always there?

Why do you continue to think of what you understand and know, rather than understanding that the next person doesn't understand the same thing the way that you do? Why do you always assume that everyone else has lived life the way that you have, and burn them for not understanding how you see life? Why do you force people to see you as a victim, when you have decided and made yourself one, by your own decision? Why do you persist on living within your own world, uncaring for everyone else, when the rest of the world mourns as you do? Why do you continue on being angry at your parents, when they have raised you the best they can? Why do you stubbornly hold on to your imaginary perceptions, when he has already said no?

Why would you think I am right, when you have your own opinion?

Why don't you believe him?
Why don't you believe her?
Why don't you believe them?
Why don't you believe me?

When you have answered the questions, then you will understand, that the questions needn't be asked, at all.

Ask yourself first, before you ask others.

"I think in dead ends." (aka Buber's I-You relation)

2008-09-01T00:30:00.008+08:00

I remember talking to a good friend of mine, years ago, describing the absolute frustration I encounter, in many of my attempts during the process of thinking.

I told him,
"I think in dead ends."

My friend laughed out hysterically (and for quite a while, too, to my consternation) and told his second brother. And his brother thought : dumb. Still does, in fact. Its no secret that I hate his brother. :)

"You're talking about a paradox, Claire."

In any case, ... and there began a wonderful friendship that still exists up to this day: sturdy, stable, strong and unbendable.

Maturity and experience goes a long way. And yet, I am still a long way from the end. But the things that we pick up along the road that we travel shape us and our understanding of the world, and ourselves. In the midst of all this, I came across many articles that spoke of ideas. Ideas that piqued me, ideas that brought forth ideals, ideas that were vulgar and with hypocrasy. But one of them, expounded on what exactly I felt and what I was contemplating that day when I told my friend about dead-ends.

Why reinvent the wheel, when someone else has described my state so perfectly?

An excerpt that I will probably bring with me wherever I go. From I and Thou
by Martin Buber, translated by Walter Kaufman. It is in my opinion, the definitive definition of Buber's I-You relation:

... Or man encounters being and becoming as what confronts him - always only one being and every thing only as a being. What is there reveals itself to him in the occurence, and what occurs there happens to him as being. Nothing else is present but this one, but this one cosmically. Measure and comparison have fled. It is up to you how much of the immeasurable becomes reality for you. The encounters do not order themselves to become a world, but each is for you a sign of the world order. They have no association with each other, but every one guarantees your association with the world. The world that appears to you in this way is unreliable, for it appears always new to you, and you cannot take it by its word. It lacks density, for everything in it permeates everything else. It lacks duration, for it comes even when not called and vanishes even when you cling to it. It cannot be surveyed: if you try to make it surveyable, you lose it. It comes-comes to fetch you-and if it does not reach you or encounter you it vanishes, but it comes again, transformed. It does not stand outside you, it touches your ground; and if you say "soul of my soul" you have not said too much. But beware of trying to transpose it into your soul-that way you destroy it. It is your present; you have a present only insofar as you have it;and you can make it into an object for you and experience and use it-you must do that again and again-and then you have no present anymore. Between you and it there is a reciprocity of giving: you say You to it and give yourself to it; it says You to you and gives itself to you. You canot come to an understanding about it with others; you are lonely with it; but it teaches you to encounter others and to stand your ground in such encounters; and through the grace of its advents and the melancholy of its departures it leads you to that You in which the lines of relation, though parallel, intersect. It does not help you to survive; it only helps you to have intimations of eternity.

The It-world hangs together in space and time.
The You-world does not hang together in space and time.
The individual You must become an It when the even of relation has run its course.
The individual It can become a You by entering into the event of relation.

... These are the two basic privileges of the It-World. They induce man to consider the It-world as the world in which one has to live and also can live comfortably - and that even offers us all sorts of stimulations and excitements, activities and knowledge. In this firm and wholesome chronicle the You-moments appear as queer lyric-dramatic episodes. Their spell may be seductive, but they pull us dangerously to extremes, loosening the well-tried structure, leaving behind more doubt than satisfaction, shaking up our security - altogether uncanny, altogether indispensable. Since one must after all return into "the world", why not stay in it in the first place? Why not call to order that which confronts us and send it home into objectivity?

One cannot live in the pure present: it would consume us if care were not taken that it is overcome quickly and thoroughtly. But in pure past one can live; in fact, only there can a life be arranged. One only has to fill every moment with experiencing and using, and it ceases to burn.

And in all the seriousness of truth, listen: without It a human being cannot live. But whoever lives only with that is not human.

We've all come a long way... still a long way to go! :)

Music Keeps Your Spirits Up... and Not in a Good Way

2008-08-25T00:27:00.003+08:00

One thing I hate about music.... it keeps me awake all night even when I need to really get some ZZzzzzzs. Something about it keeps me awake. Its been like this since... ever since... ever since... gosh. I think its been like this since I can remember. That makes it grade school. I keep the music turned on at night... and I just go on and on and on....

For goodness sakes, tomorrow's Monday morning. I DO have a job to go to.

An Intermission

2008-08-24T22:41:00.006+08:00

Vienna Teng rocks. Obviously I got hold of her CD the day after my last mention of her newest album (its not so new anymore... its been out two years). Awesome. So was Jason Mraz. And Ayaka.

On the other hand, I've been watching movies galore: Journey to the Center of the Earth (3D version), Get Smart, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army, Cyborg She. What a tiring week. And I've run out of new movies to watch, so I eventually resorted to watching The Devil Wears Prada tonight.

Anything wrong with me? Not really. Just have the terrible urge to feed my consumeristic tendencies. And the fact that I seem to be sucking in everything that could be drawn in, read and reread. Pretty much like a sponge right now... just seem to be quite ravenous, really.

I will be rereading Buber's Ich und Du (I and Thou) for the next few days. I imagine it would keep me quite occupied immensely, so likely I will not be posting anything at all, until the book has been finished.

Up in the list, Buber's translation of the Bible, Kant's Critique of Pure Reason, and possibly followed by Freud's Das Ich und das Es (The Ego and the Id). And all this, starting to prompt me to start learning German......

To end the post to celebrate the culmination of my past week, a snippet from Blake, one of my favorite poets:

To see a world in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an Hour

Strangely enough... something similar, yet different, and quite unconsciously written previously without any prompt from anything or anyone.

POST: I've spend most of my time lazying the day away along the pier, early in the morning, and at dusk. I'm glad live nearby... its a beautiful place. And so, anytime I sense the stirring of restlessness, that is the place to be... I'm really glad.

A Prologue for the Lonely

2008-08-22T00:24:00.004+08:00

Buber, Blake, Heidegger, Kant, St Augustine.

I can see now where most of my perceptions come from. Its amazing how some philosophies crawl directly into who you are and how you define yourself.

And exactly how they came to be? It came to BE, from a institution that I would fondly call my alma mater.

Its not enough that one has to excel in their field of specialization, but to become one that mattered was equally as important. And thus, 4 years - and along the path of compulsory 16 units of Philosophy , and 16 units of Theology courses - we learn that we are agents of change - socially responsible for our fellowmen, responsible for the lives of others, forwarding an ideal purpose towards the greater glory of God.

I'm quite glad and honored to be part of a long legacy that started with St. Ignatius. When I was accepted into this university, for the first time in my long relationship with my brother, he gave me a gift to celebrate the occasion - This coming from a man who has never given me anything, fought with me throughout my childhood, and persistently tried to kick me out of the room when he was playing or doing anything at all. It really IS a great honor to be part of being an Atenean.

In any case, life after university is drastically different. Maybe not all lessons are learned then, but it imparted me with the arsenal to deal with what cannot be learned directly within the confines of school.

I will find out later in life, that exactly what made me grateful, and exceptional, in the background, will spawn one of the most pivotal and challenging experience in my life. One that will make me drastically different in the world, outside the shelters of the Jesuit experience.

And I could find out... Loneliness could just be an imagination.

Missed Vienna Teng Album

2008-08-19T02:21:00.002+08:00

Dreaming Through The Noise. I can't believe I missed Vienna Teng's next album by 2 years. It has been so long, has it?

Maybe it IS time to pull out from the garbage and wreckage, and come out from the water, breathing. Missing this latest album is quite unforgivable in my book.

Whatever You Want

he's a company man, your right hand
13 years and counting
no detectable ambitions, a model of efficiency,
far as you can see

he knows every loophole, the art of fine print
massaging the numbers 'til they fit
and every time you ask him for another vanishing act
he half-smiles as if to say

whatever you want,
whatever you want,
whatever you want is fine by me

never a real moment together,
but she understands; you're an important man
another late night,
don't know if you're coming home or when
she's alone again

but she goes on curating your domestic museum
she disappears in her loyalty
she is a dress, wearing a face in the doorway
opening her arms out to you

whatever you want,
whatever you want,
whatever you want is fine by me

no one would dare to question you, oh no
no one would dare to stand up

but in the night she leaves the papers in a tidy pile,
evidence for her reasons
and in the night he takes the main accounts and pulls the files
detailing every treason

i am the last one you'd ever suspect
of setting the fire, of setting the fire
but as you switch on your TV tomorrow morning,
you'll hear me saying quietly

whatever you want,
whatever you want,
whatever you want is fine by me

oh whatever you say,
whatever you say,
i'll do what you ask me
i'll do what you ask me

oh whatever you say,
whatever you say,
but do you know who's listening?

whatever you say,
i know it's over

An Amazing Singer, An Amazing Song

2008-08-19T01:30:00.001+08:00

Its amazing how friends come a long way from where they were years ago.
My soprano choirmate, in one of her usual forms. Amazing song, too :

哭不出來

Ben Folds - Landed

2008-08-19T00:52:00.002+08:00

Something that I've rediscovered. To those who knows how it feels, by all means. Capital piano accompaniments by Ben Folds.

We'd hit the bottom
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about

We'd moved to the west coast
Away from everyone
She never told me that you called
Back when I was still
I was still in love

'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
I had to leave myself behind
And I've been flying high all night

So come pick me up
I've landed...

The daily dramas
She made from nothing
So nothing ever made it right

She liked to push me
And talk me back down
'Till i believed I was the crazy one
And in a way
I guess I was

'Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Treading the sea of a troubled mind
I had to leave myself behind
Singin' bye-bye goodbye I tried

If you wrote me off
I'd understand it
'Cause I've been on
Some other planet
So come pick me up
I've landed...

And you will be so
Happy to know
I've come along
It's over

And I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's okay to call
And I will answer for myself
Come pick me up...
Come pick me up...
I've landed.

Moonrise

2008-08-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

I saw the moon rise tonight... A full, bright moon hanging just above the mountains, under clear skies.

It was one of the most beautiful things I've seen, even better than the one I've seen when I was riding a small boat in Putoushan 5-6 years ago.

I managed to get a shot with my iPhone, but its not quite as pretty as how it was when you were there. It'll be uploaded later (once I figure out how the heck to drag out the pics from my iPhone %!#%!@#!).

I wish, she could have seen it...

Love is

2008-08-17T18:43:00.007+08:00

Many of us are no stranger to strong emotions - We live life experiencing a plethora of states that strongly drives us to do many exceptional things. Instant fear is a predominant one, immediately triggering in us lightning quick reflexes that has been fundamental to life and death decisions. Our ancestors benefited from fear, aiding them by driving their adrenaline to instantly spurt out of harm's way, in cases of extreme danger - the appearance of a rattlesnake defending its brood, or an angry wild boar rushing to attack to its defense - so as it is now in our present time, when a man may suddenly try to ricochet himself away in the onset of an ominous traffic accident.

On the other hand, there is sadness. Sadly, extreme sadness pushes some of us to end our short lives, while in others, it becomes a motivating factor and an iron steel resolve to live as long as possible to eliminate all bouts of causes that will lead to unhappiness. Pioneers of charitable organizations, enlightened by poverty, inequality or existing social conditions, are driven by the desolation and hardship of others to push forward and alleviate the current situation, implementing and executing monumental projects that drive revolutionary change. Others are driven to excel in different fields - medicine, technology, process - to speed up what would be otherwise be a relative slow pace of progress.

And then there is one we're all quite familiar with - love.

From the very first breath we take, all of us are exposed to varying degrees of love. The secure cradle of a mother with her child against her warm bosom, the slow lull of lullabye sung by grandparents, the company of schoolmates, the camaraderie of colleagues, the warmth of relatives, a lasting friendship, a committed relationship, a promise to God - all these are varying aspects.

But like everything in this world, there is a danger of misinterpreting ideas... whether by being miscommunicated, mislead by the pervading norm, or rationally forcing them to be our own. Ideals and abstracts can be easily interpreted or understood to be wrong, just because they are what they are - vague, all applicable, bendable.

I do not proclaim that my version is correct... but I have to admit, I believe in ideals, and very much critical in my own actions brought about by it. I live my life to attain them, and it will desperately pain me to know that my understanding may be faulty. So, here is my version of what love is, and what I live by, for it.

What Love is not -

Love is not a fleeting emotion - you're mistaking it with passion.
Love is not a feeling - that's only your head talking to your heart to beat faster.
Love is not a whim - it does not come and go as it pleases
Love is not short term - its not an on and off switch

It is not how many of Hollywood movies portray love to be - a sweeping, off-the-floor feeling that leaves your knees weak, and your heart beating rapidly, and with an uncontrollable urge to kiss the one you love. It is not relationships - although love does bear fruit to them. It is neither chemistry between two people - although it does help to initiate it - nor is it a butterfly-in-your-stomach feeling.

In fact, love is not a feeling at all.

What love it is, is a deliberate, thoughtful and committed action. It is a decision and a long lasting commitment. Imagine the love of the mother for her child, rearing the child as it grows into adulthood, or the lasting marriage of an old, amiable couple together for 50 years. Imagine the love of a man for a cause worth fighting for, and dying for it, unwilling to bend into any alternative to the cause.

And yet, a long lasting commitment is not an easy thing. Many of us encounter conflicts in life - no one said life was easy and smooth sailing. Change is an integral part of life. Nothing stays still in this world. The mother will have to brave her child as he or she grows into adolescence, and as an adult with his or her own firm opinion on things. Each of the couple will change in those many years,... priorities change, perceptions and points of view adjust, sometimes drastically, sometimes not. The man will encounter and temptations to steer him away from his ideals... but with love as a hard, solid decision, and commitment, they will persevere.

If love was a feeling, then feelings can change at anytime. Then the mother will abandon her child once he or she is not pliable. The couple will break and separate once they find that they've lost the feeling,... and the man will find it unbearable once temptation ensues, and finally breaking in.

One very important thing to take note of... A committed decision involves integrity, knowledge, and self independence. Do not mistake love between couples as a dependence of two devoted, committed people. Dependence is a result of the committed decision... both remain as separate, independent persons, deciding to come together. Should one be dependent.. then it is not love for that person, but a strange, parasitic relation. Be cautious of those that hide behind the cover of love.

Finally... Love as it is - a commitment and decision - would, and will stand the test of time. And even if the past tense of love is used, the memories surrounding it will never cease to exist. It will be remembered, willingly or not, as it is a powerful motivator by its own right.

Love is simple, yet complicated. It is not so easy to achieve, and will always bring hardship, pain and tears. And for those who have it, as it is described here, in its purest form, they have my highest regards. Because once everything has been done and passed, love bears fruit to the most wonderful of things - A child growing with integrity, and loving her mother back... a couple that will inspire those around them, and a Man that will sacrifice himself for humanity.

And finally, a familiar and traditional description of how love is...

Corinthians 14:3
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This post is to celebrate what love is - to mothers, couples, and the Man devoted to humanity - and all the beautiful things that grow from it.

A 3-Day Intermission / An Explanation On What Has Transpired

2008-08-17T18:14:00.005+08:00

The entry following this, was originally going to be my post, before things went drastically wrong last Friday. I was ashamed to publish it, that very night, because I thought that I would have been a hypocrite, having failed in the most important of things. I invested a considerable time last Friday to take care of friends, a testament to what I firmly believe everyone should be, and yet, after trying so hard to prevent what I feared to happen to my loved ones, it broke my heart to discover that someone living so physically close to me, was living the same desolation, and loneliness,... and reaching the breaking point.

I was ashamed.

Maybe I could not do anything, she never existed to me, but despite that... maybe I could've done something that MATTERED. The world in which we live in, is a web of interactions. It is an important point to acknowledge this. More than once in my life, my day would be brightened by a random act of kindness, by a stranger - It gave renewed glimmer of hope to a tired soul, and rekindle a fire and a motivation that, yes, things could be better.

I've lived through three days wondering what went wrong. I have had sleepless, troubled nights, and no motivation whatsoever to do anything. Finally, I realized I had to write it down.

I do not advocate suicide, but needed to plead on their case - The world does not need another critical essay on how some people give up on life. It doesn't need to instill fear of possibly eternal damnation (take your pick on religion), or how they have abandoned their responsibilities, and callously thrown way so carelessly the love and indebtedness they should feel towards the people in their lives. I needed people on the other end of the spectrum to understand that, at some point, reason or logic will not work. It will be ruled by fear and extreme emotion.

It is a responsibility to the people around to make things better. Those that are incapacitated have to be lifted up. Their choices should be respected, no matter how irrational, but, as a person, wouldn't you feel responsible for something that you knew that maybe, you could have had a chance to change?

I hope that the article would give a small perspective on understanding how lonely, abandoned people feel. I do not pretend I fully understand, but I am well aware of how loneliness, desolation and violence feels, and I hope it could help you change your mind and give you a sense of responsibility and action. I'm also well aware I could not do everything, so I am pleading help from everyone to do their part. It doesn't take much effort. Even a random act may turn around someone.

In turn, I realized that what I was about to post that night, has more weight than ever. Shame aside, it needs to be posted. It hit home, in an eerie, foresighted manner, as I strangely used the exact same example that transpired last Friday night. I realized finally, that these two posts are related, and it is a two part article that will make up a whole.

The first part of the article remains unchanged. Only the definition of the main post was expounded today, to give more breath and depth to the point being relayed.

I hope that you will see the significance, just as I did, when I realized it during these past traumatic few days. I hope that it will move you to make a difference.

Besides, all I can do is hope. And someone said hope is quite hard to kill.

Downturn of Events

2008-08-16T00:07:00.021+08:00

I was initially going to post an upbeat entry today. One that mattered. Something that made a difference. The day started out quite nice,... one that was hopeful...

I cannot bring myself to come up with the right words to say how I feel right now. Empty. A water hole with no drop of substance. She was there. I did not know her. I did not see her. No one did. But she only came to BE, when she died.

Yes.... Everything drained away... earlier tonight. No one cared. No one seemed to care. I do not understand... Why? Why would someone would cut off all ties and decide to end their lives?

When they did, did they have their eyes open? did they have their eyes closed? Did they wonder how it would feel like? Falling across the expanse of the stars, each one watching intently, behind the gaze of the full bright moon, as winds whipped and flared across their faces, falling faster and faster?

Did they desperately hope that finally, the earth would wrap herself around their shoulders, and finally cradle them to peace?

... do ... I ... understand?....

....
....
....

.... maybe ... I .... do....

Yes... Loneliness is a soft, silent world. A constant droning at the background, never once ceasing. A place where the entirety of the world is illuminated by lone stars, as lonely.. each of them sparkling, each its own tune... all watching, all waiting.. and yet, they are as far away from where you are, as you are with them. It is a world where all eyes are intent - on you, and you alone. But not always. They all shine differently, at different times, at their own whims, at their convenient time. And the moon... always looks across, in a stern, solid tone, lasting forever, illuminating everything in the world. And yet, it does not lighten the darkness enveloping around. Shadows lurk in corners amongst concrete, never reaching out. The heart will be always in the dark, as silent, and as black as it is naturally is where loneliness rules... and the wind... will always be dead. The silence.. deafening.

Yes, there will be a smile when the wind whips across her face. There will be hesitation, regret, hurt, bleeding... and yet ... an anticipation of everlasting peace. Yes, the deadness will be gone then... so will the droning, to be replaced by whistling of pure, live air. The stars will stop their incessant sparkling, for a pure, solid moment, and all will stop to be finally intent on you. Yes, mother earth will reach out once you see that the ground is moving as fast towards you, and you would want to rush towards it.

And... they will all have their eyes... closed... but it will be as open as it will ever be, during those last few moments:

"Anticipation. Hope. Rest. Peace... and everything that has been taken away from me..."

When all hope has gone, everything will be waiting on the other side. A grand welcome. A soft sad smile..

Was there no one there? Where were the people who were replaced by the loneliness? Where were the living stars that surrounded her? Did they all concentrate on their petty, daily lives, as if everything was important, except for a small, crumbling soul? Did they grow up to learn that all can fend for themselves, when maturity sets in? Did society start teaching us that everything else was more important, except for babies that could not yet walk, old men and women who could barely help themselves...?

Life never ceases until Death stops us at our doors. Life is always about learning, whether one is 1,15 or 60 years of age. Whatever made us all think, that a 49 year old woman, can withstand better than a crying new born babe?

All of us cry inside. We all just don't show it.

No one should ever live in loneliness... not in this world, or the next.

Partners and Marriage

2008-08-08T23:40:00.009+08:00

Below is a snippet from a widely circulated email of which gives description to two of the more well known professors from my university. Although there are inconsistent facts on the description relating to the source of the article, it nevertheless gives a certain perspective to the weight of the article itself, and also therefore I am including it in. Further explanation on the source of the article will be added at the end of this post.

====================================================

Eduardo Calasanz was a student at the Ateneo de Manila University, Philippines, where he had Father Ferriols as professor. Father Ferriols, meanwhile at that time, was the Philosophy department head. Currently he still teaches Philosophy for graduating college students in Ateneo.

Father Ferriols has been very popular for his mind-opening and enriching classes but was also notorious for the grades he gives. Still people took his classes for the learning and deep insight they take home with them every day (if only they could do something about the grades….. )

Anyway, come grade giving time, (Ateneo has letter grading systems, the highest being an A, lowest at D, with F for flunk), Fr Ferriols had this long discussion with the registrar people because he wanted to give Calasanz an A+. Either that or he doesn’t teach at all… Calasanz got his A+.

Read the paper below to find out why.

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE

I have never met a man who didn’t want to be loved. But I have seldom met a man who didn’t fear marriage.Something about the closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed to glow in each other’s presence. They seemed really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other’s foibles.

It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to succeed.

It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.

The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get to know each other’s laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.

One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will enjoy each others company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you new.

Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time, sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again.

If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can’t accept, you will inevitably come to grief.

Look at the way he/she cares for others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance does not become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.

There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation. Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did not know them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come. If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed.

We are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate presences, two separate consciousness come together and share a view of life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers. Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one. Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that deepens that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power of transformation. If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand flowers will bloom…endlessly.

====================================================

Someone contacted Mr. Eduardo Calasanz to ask if he wrote this essay. And here is his reply:

———————————————————————————————–

I did not write that piece.

I received it sometime in 1997 and liked it so much that I forwarded it to
many people. The article carried no by-line. After a few months, I got
some messages congratulating me for having written it. Obviously, it was
now going around the internet with my name on it as the author. I wish I
could have written it, but the simple truth is that I didn’t. Nobody, as
far as I knew, claimed authorship.

When I was still in France a few years ago, a short bio sketch (pure urban
legend!) was appended to the piece. And so it went. Even a former
girlfriend of mine had gotten wind of it!

C’est la vie. The long and short of it.

Some years ago, a friend of a former student of mine gave an
indication conerning the source of “Partners and Marriage”. Just to set
the record straight the article is in fact a chapter from a book
entitled Letters to My Son, A Father’s Wisdom on Manhood, Women, Life, and
Love written by Kent Nerburn. It was published in New York by the New
World Library in 1994, but seems to have gone out of print for a while.
Chapter 26 is entitled “Partners and Marriage”. The book has been back
in print since.

I would appreciate it if you could share this rectification with others
who may be inquiring.

Very truly yours,

EDUARDO JOSE E. CALASANZ
Asst. Professor of Philosophy
School of Humanities
Ateneo de Manila University
P.O. Box 154 Manila
Philippines

And You Wonder What I Do In The Gym...

2008-08-08T23:32:00.004+08:00

Here's a link. I joined an earlier session...

For those who've always wondered why I go to the gym every week, at least 4 times a week, and at the peak of my obsession, at most 16 hours in a week...

A similar choreography to the one I attended
This should be a good one too!

Exercising could never be THIS fun!

Quest for Clarity (I)

2008-07-21T21:18:00.004+08:00

I had a dream that I would one day be with a book, under the shade of a old, weather beaten, sturdy tree, sitting, reminiscing, imagining worlds and places I've never been before. The worlds, with colors so vivid and bright, that I would be so engrossed and submerged in it to the point of believing that I could seriously navigate and explore.

So, sound familiar? What's missing?

The music player, of course. (For those of you who've been networked in my internet accounts, remember my introductions...)

Music is extremely important. It sets the mood, the pace, the feel of the place. It could dictate whether emotions could be running high with angst, crawling lowly with suspicion, jumping across boards with glee, or slowly building up to a crescendo of a mix of emotions altogether: sentimental, introspective, solitary, frustration, happiness, revelation or just maybe, an unnatural high.

And yet, you can hardly feel all that while the music is croaking and shrieking to reach the highest notes or muttering inaudibly to the lowest thumping bass. And thus, the musical apparatus that spits out the melodies, should kick-@$$.

Get ready for some top notch set of screamers , a review coming soon... (but not the best - Life is full of limitations, and greens don't pretty much grow in abundance in trees)

What Can Be Lost, Can Be Regained

2008-07-20T18:23:00.004+08:00

I recently had a revelation.

Maybe I've just been too worried about myself and my predicament... in the days after writing my previous post, several things transpired that made me realize how much I've changed from how I was a year ago. It took some drastic measures, a lot of introspection and quite a handful of friends' help, but I'm quite glad to say that things look much better.

Its not perfect, but better off than that gloomy, muddled state than I was in a few days ago.

Its amazing how much can change in just a second. A pact, an interesting scenario, a proposal, conflicts, different friend's advices and conversation, (surprisingly) a shopping spree, several movies and a quiet night of coffee in solitude.

I realized how much I missed spending time alone without worries of people's expectations. I spent my time watching a movie, sitting alone for coffee, planning for the next week's working plans, reminiscing old friends, and enjoying new ones.

I missed being with several friends back in the Philippines... I realized they're much my best friends despite the fact that I don't tend to make any effort to reach out to them. All of them are different, complementing different aspects of my personality, shouldering, cradling, supporting each facet of my personality.

I missed being with new friends who take care of me at my workplace. Despite the fact that we don't talk due to our busy schedules, or have lunches often, they're there.

I missed the times when I would go out for a solitary jog, a visit in the library to wade through shelves and shelves of books. They're also my friends, they've kept me company throughout my childhood. I should never have forgotten them. They've never left my side when I had problems, big or small, past, present, or future.

I missed shopping with friends and family. Finding out and realizing what I want and need in particular, and its not just about "anything will do". I used to go off to Hong Kong, during my pre-teens, alone, to shop. Don't pity me, it is never lonely for someone who's spent most of her time in the company of books. Its a special state of mind. No matter how brainless or insignificant it seemed for other people, I would walk alone, going to several sites, finding what I need,... what I needed the most.

I probably didn't find out what I needed the most during these past few days, but I did find out what I left behind. And I managed to walk back to each of them, one by one, to pick them up.

Its my time to cradle. A salute to those I've talked and crossed paths with the past few days since my last post. You know who you are. I may not have expressed gratitude directly, but I'm expressing them now. A talk, chat or an email makes a world of difference. You've made a person regain the soul that have been left missing for some time.

Now, lets see what magnitude this change and this revelation will do for others.

Desolation is such a big word

2008-07-16T22:52:00.003+08:00

So is lonely. Or alienation.

Moving through life misunderstood. A pinch of thought or clarity. A seed of doubt. No reconfirmation. These are the things that make living a bit more desolate than those with close friendship or substance. A soul is not meant to live alone in a big place full of millions of people.

And you thought Britney Spears was wrong to live the way she did. Bigger than life people are sometimes those that are most left to themselves, while the rest of the people think that they are left quite well alone with all the talent they have. Or the power. Or the money.

Lets say I've had a first hand experience with desolation. And still living with full of it... I don't have millions of dollars, nor do I have the talent to have a musical concert of my own. What I have is a sole position wherein all those who need me - all 120 of them - gaze across walls and across boundaries, grabbing that phone or typing into that messenger window, saying "I need your help."

And what can I give except my time and my effort. Fulfill the expectation. Satisfy the need.

At least, try to. Try my best.

And sometimes, you become drained. Nothing left to give except an apology: "I don't have the time." And people look at you as if you've let them down, as if you've caused the expanse of seas to heave upwards towards the heavens and commanded it to come down, crashing through their doorsteps. News spread. People talk.

And I spent so much time trying my best, there's not a drop of time to explain myself to everyone...

I do wish I'm omniscient. Sometimes I wish I have the code of databases ingrained into my brain, never to disappear. Expectations of always being right, and never being wrong. Of being all-knowing, all-wise, and having the full answers to any scenario, in a flash.

They say the bigger than life people are the ones who are the lucky ones. Just being one, without possibly deserving of living up the expectations of so many people, is a gargantuan task in itself, deserving of praise. Its a lonely path for those who tread through pavement of enormous expectation.

But I guess, so are those treading the road less traveled...

I'm not about to give up, but the desolation leaves me speechless most of the times.

A downtime is always a nice thing....

A "Brief" Word on Explanations

2008-04-13T00:56:00.003+08:00

Its been more than half a year since I've written down any resemblance to a post in this blog. In fact, you've also probably noticed that the gym session posts have dwindled down - to tell you the truth, that was a bit worrying, even for me. So, "What happened?"

My significant other says I explain too much. "There's no such need to explain. No one cares. No one bothers. No one listens." (surprise, surprise)

But on many occasions, I find myself unable to stop the urge... for me, its slightly bordering to the abnormal, sickness range of the spectrum. Its like an obsessive compulsive habit that needs to be satisfied. It will not let go until the need has been filled. It will haunt for hours and hours, and sometimes on occasion, days, until all is well and done.

Why the need for explanations? To clarify oneself. The eagerness to be understood. To connect. To make known to others what your next big bright idea might be. To make sure there are no misunderstandings. To prevent fights. To share what is of good to those affected and common to all.

At least, that's what we want our explanations to become. That which clarifies, solidifies and unites.

In reality, sometimes things become much stranger than how they should be. The more we try to explain ourselves, the more of us are revealed - the stranger we become - just because we're such the "celebrated individuals" that we pride ourselves to be. In other cases, the more explanations are conveyed, the more we are misunderstood because of the context that we assume others also operate in; in the opposite scenario, it is because of the context others assume we are in, reflecting their own assumptions on us. Or maybe we are just lacking in our words and vocabulary - we're stunted with how we write, talk or express ourselves. Or maybe, the more we explain, the more transparent we become - likely spoke out things in more ways than what we just thought we've just said.

Sometimes the cracked stone will begin as a trickle, pressure builds up, and the trickle progresses to a leak, the leak becomes a flow, and before anyone is aware, the dam's already broke and everyone is submerged under water.

Some people explained, and they were stoned. They were sentenced to death. But really, things that are just better left unsaid... they're precisely the ones that just can't stay unsaid. Can't decide? Say you flip a coin for it, and maybe decided to go to the opposite direction (the "non-explanation").

And thus, enters the action we call a lie. Or if you'd like to be more faithful to your well intentioned meaning, let's call it a white lie.

I quite apologize for the depressing downturn of a post this turned out to be. It does come off as pessimistic, some others might call it "being realistic". For my avid readers (those few handful of you who actually check this site, my gratitude!) it does not necessarily stop me from being disgustingly idealistic, while still being aware that its really not as easy to get to that "ideal" state. Remember, I'm bordering obssessive compulsive. I'm meant to be stubborn and mule headed. My nature does not permit me to change so easily, and I will likely stay stuck in quite a stupid and naive idea, even if everyone, even myself, says its against all odds.

So, the question is, "What happened to me?"

Probably you'll see soon enough in the next few entries. Following the flow of this post, "Thoughts need to be articulated, ideas need to be expressed." Maybe I shouldn't find it hard to put in a word or two in the next few days. OR, most likely I'll probably be ranting for the next few days.

That is, before someone throws a wrench or a hammer on my head.

I'm Tired...

2008-04-13T00:02:00.003+08:00

... and I don't know how long this is all going to last. It's probably like getting high, or your senses going on overdrive from all the interference and/or noise above the sublevel chatter.

More than 6 months of no posts. Its probably going to continue on like this for a few more months... posts are downgraded down to scribbles in many different noteboooks on training, database, tiles, pullout cabinets, mythical dates , parents, evaluation and process improvement.....

Argh. Too many notebooks. Too many papers. Too many things to remember. At times I should be happy... and at the far end of the spectrum, I also should be angry... but just too tired to react properly anymore.

I just want all non-sensical things finished. And leave the things that matter the most, to be handled.

Stop dogging me.

Alive, Breathing, Barely

2008-01-27T00:14:00.000+08:00

See caption above.

Thank you for your kind attention.

We will now return to our regular [non-existent] programming. Or you can go channel surfing first.

I wished to live deliberately, also

2007-09-16T07:50:00.000+08:00

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately,
to front only the essential facts of life,
and see if I could not learn what it had to teach,
and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

I did not wish to live what was not life,
living is so dear;
nor did I wish to practise resignation,
unless it was quite necessary.

I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life,
to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life,
to cut a broad swath and shave close,
to drive life into a corner,
and reduce it to its lowest terms,

and, if it proved to be mean,
why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it,
and publish its meanness to the world;
or if it were sublime,
to know it by experience,
and be able to give a true account of it in my next excursion."

-David Henry Thoreau (1817-1862)

Something that I have had on my table since 3-4 years ago... ignored and neglected, until I realized recently how much it means for me. Why live life as if , to your arrogance, it were your right to have one, but live it as if, to your open mindedness, realize you own it and yet know nothing of it.

Old, New and Being Impractical

2007-09-15T23:44:00.000+08:00

Its never easy to welcome the new, ... when it means that you have to say goodbye to the old.

When you spend most of your life trying to make other people happy or adjusting yourself so that people don't get disappointed, its very difficult to do something that is completely the opposite of what you have been doing since... well, since the start.

I've realized that its quite easy to compromise when you don't have an opinion on things. Its so easy to say yes to someone, and also say yes to the others with different perspective, as long as it doesn't touch the obvious black and white of morals of good and bad. Its so easy to tell your boss, "its ok for me to work late, I don't have anyone to go home to" and also still have the freedom to say "its ok for me to leave office early, they don't really need me in the office, I have backup" to your family.

When you start taking preference over certain things... "gym over work, gym over boyfriend, gym over family". Then something happens within the family, and you realize that you have to realign your priorities. It now becomes "gym over work, family over gym.... or gym over family.. hmm I can't decide". Its the same as the realization that I prefer taking the bus or taxi over the subway, anytime. A preference to jog in the park rather than to tire away in the treadmills. A distinction to notice the conditions when it is a good time to jog even though I am quite tired. A value to call my boyfriend up even though he completely never remembers that I did call him the night before, over the choice that I just don't call him, period.

Maybe this is what they call stating your individuality. Or expressing your beliefs. Or standing be your principles. The most important part is that I would have consciously realized what I want, and take action based on that. You could say, I've just started to flex my responsibility...

And to my satisfaction,... yes. Happier. Satisfied. Less lost, or confusion....

And now the playing field just got bigger. I realized something that I really wanted, and because of that, I had to head on contradict against many things that seemed to "work well" before. And because the stakes are bigger, the differences are more obvious than ever.

The consequences? A lost friend. A seemingly "marred" reputation. A reason no one can seem to understand. "Disloyalty". Coming off a bit crazy to most people. Callous. Self centered. To certain extremes, my sanity and practicality is probably questioned by some people, at this very moment.

I've lost normalcy... And yet, although I feel remorse of losing what once was, to such an extreme case..... I quite feel very much on solid ground.

Yes. "And to my satisfaction,... yes. Happier. Satisfied. Less lost, or confusion...."

Because I knew what I really needed to make me happy. Maybe even state that I may have found my vocation in life, the one where I know I can be happy and dedicate a major part of my life to. And I made a conscious decision, by myself, to do whats needed to be done, for myself, and not for other people.

I don't mind coming off as crazy and a lunatic, but the only thing I feel sad about it, is losing a friend over this. But I hope maybe he will understand why I had to do what I did, and I will have the fruits to show that what I did wasn't motivated greed or self-centeredness, but that I do have a path and a plan that's worth fighting the world for.

Wanderlust

2007-08-20T23:02:00.000+08:00

She grabbed her bag to bring with her the things she needed the most... A few rolls of multicolored textile, an aluminum can of compressed chemical perfume, nylon bags to keep things from getting wet, some protective medicinal patches, bits of odd currency, a pen, rubber soled gloves, and a cloak of black she's carried about her since sometime ago.

She walked into a myriad of haze, from a small box of red with cold wind blowing onto her face, to a path of low-lying concrete gray pillars. She always had to buy rations from the small side shop, frequently trying different combinations, but eventually choosing a mixture of herb infused liquid and some sweet, nourishing manna, believing that they will help her get through her end-goal. Before her journey reaches the large, glass doors at the end of the path, she will cautiously place the patches she bought with her, on to her, to shield her from whatever lies beyond the glass doors.

A thousand times. A million dreams. An infinity of attempted failures. Wistfully looking back from the path whence she came, she gives a quiet, sad smile... and a thought that she will only know herself... and walks on ahead.

Organic, inorganic all coming together in a symphony of sublime chaos. Abstract, concrete, uncertainly, surity, all a blanket on top of a slick, multicolored oil, dangerously swishing and swirling like non linear grains of hissing sand. She closes her eyes, steps in, and carefully draws out her totems of strength, and draws her own deep breath.

Cross legged, she sits. Eyes closed, she dreams. Hands and feet still, she waltzes. An hour is a minute, a month is a day, a decade is a year. She will laugh, she will talk, she will write, she will move... but all the while, she is sitting, on the same sandy spot, with sands hissing, colors merging, chaos moving... silent, steady, sitting, cross legged.

One day she will open her eyes, and all chaos will stop. But leave her be, for now. End will always come, the day after tomorrow.

Gym Progress 39

2007-06-17T23:03:00.000+08:00

I seem to be running low on batteries these days. My head's not moving as much as I'd like them to be, and I've been constantly missing on certain parts of certain blocks - most of which I would easily catch on early in the game. Quite strange. Maybe its just because I'm a bit tired and out of direction these days.

I posed a question to a couple of people about life ambitions, and found out that not quite a lot of people have directions, or I guess if they do, they seem to be having a hard time going about explaining it. These days its either thoughts of Bibi, and doesn't help that during Monday, I hear Calvin, one of the regular instructors I attend to on Saturdays, have resigned (It was a false alarm, as I found out later in the week). These job related things seem to be hammering in my head and thoughts, and for once, I have to stop and think what's the point... I guess that's not really a good sign.

Mon (BP,SM): Stephanie,Steve
Thu (ASM,HY): Bibi, Louisa
Fri (IHL, ISM,ASM): Bibi,Lok,Bibi
Sat (SM,ISM): Bibi, Steve
Sun(IHL,SM, HL, ISM): Suzette,Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

...

2007-06-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

Seems orchestral and classical music will be temporarily saving me from my up-and-down-and-up moods these days. I've been terribly unstable, and it doesn't help that I feel lousy and have been starting to tend to a growing paunch. Gym isn't helping that much, and I've been constantly been growing more and more frustrated with myself.

I think its a psychological matter, plus the fact that I've been already been burned out for weeks now. I'm probably just a faintly glowing ember at the moment, trying its best to keep the light up despite the situation. But I've got no wind to fan me to fire up again, and a breather is what I really need these days. But where to find the time, that's quite a question. And a bigger question would be, Am I really at the right place, anyways?

I could stay in my present place for quite a time, but if I'm just at the wrong jungle and hacking away towards an unplanned goal that neither seems there or appropriate to my calling, what then? Do I just stupidly go ahead and hope that things will be better for me? And yet, I don't know WHERE I should be going.

A freshening up is in order... but I wonder these days, Where and when can I take a breather? The only right thing I know is that at least I know I am with the right significant other, but it doesn't help that he's in another country. With the faintly weak ember that's lighting up my determination these days, I just have to hope, and keep on asking when we can see each other again... at least I know when I'm with him, in that aspect of my life, I am in the right direction. None feels much better in a tornado of confusion than knowing that there is a corner in your life that is stable and right... I think I just need to spend some time with him. It may be a shot in the dark to hope that it will help the situation with the other aspects in my life... but a good place to start is as good as any now, with my head constantly blank and my mind wandering everywhere.

It has gotten to the point where I have started to constantly conduct some sort of dialogue with myself all the time during the day... about crazy rotten things such as inappropriate songs, other people's inane sense of fashion, the excruciating heat that gets to my head with the blasted humid weather. Totally off direction and totally going nuts.

And, lets not forget the nails. We all know what happens to my nails when I'm going through these kind of states..... *sigh*

I guess I've hit rock bottom. Well, at least so far that I think so. I just keep telling myself there's no way but up in any case...

Gym Progress 38

2007-06-10T23:01:00.000+08:00

Yes, resting week. Quite obvious with this week's schedule. Why? well, see the previous week. Bad ankles hurting a lot. It also doesn't help that I needed to tend to some urgent family matters last Thursday. Despite the fact that I took a day off then, and was able to attend the 17:30 Hilo class, it was quite a gloomy event all in all. Quite depressing and such a downturn.

Thu (HL,ASM,HY): Bibi, Bibi, Louisa
Fri (ASM): Bibi
Sat (SM,ISM): Bibi, Jason
Sun(IHL,SM, ISM): Suzette, Suzette, Lok

Gym Progress 37

2007-06-03T23:38:00.000+08:00

Surprise, my schedule's really messed up these days.

Wednesday was on a Star Cruise Pieces. I promised Hiro no gym until Friday (but failed miserably on the Thursday) due to my right ankle problem. Saturday ankle still hurting and was making a mess in Steve's class. Sunday the ankle pain was a bit acute, but still bearable.. until a point in the afternoon when I eventually I gave up - 10 minutes before the end of the Bibi step class, I stopped and just left. Its not my right ankle anymore.. its both. Definitely a wakeup call. I really AM not a superwoman with these knees and legs of mine. I guess some people are lucky to have no problems with their knees, but even with my relatively young age, I can't pretend I can do as much anymore. I'd probably be only killing myself.

The only nice thing about the whole ankle incident was the fact that Hiro gave me a couple of "cooling" pads. It was a very nice thought... It reminded me how understanding some people really are, and that I should learn from them.

Well in any case, I thoroughly enjoyed my break by spending time with the family and getting more rest than before, and, would you believe.. pimples don't pop up THAT often anymore.

Thu (ASM,HY): Bibi, Louisa
Fri (IHL, ISM,ASM): Bibi, Jason,Bibi
Sat (SM,ISM): Bibi,Steve
Sun(ISM, HL, ISM): Lok, Bibi, Bibi

Gym Progress 36

2007-05-27T23:30:00.000+08:00

Dreadfully cut back schedule... Must have something to do with a work on Saturday that was expected to be done at 1-2pm but kept on going until 3:30pm. Well, if there is any consolation, I suppose its worth it to know that on Saturday I've finally received my HKID card (lost), took a sauna on one of the clubs before going ahead to the office, and scrambled to the only gym class I could attend to.

But it doesn't help that all of a sudden my ankles hurt really bad after the Saturday class. I vowed to get my feet some rest before heading off to do serious workout next week. Lets see what will happen then, knowing my iron steel resolve and my crazy stubborn streak.

Mon (SM): Steve
Tue (ISM): Lok
Thu (HL,ASM,HY): Bibi, Bibi, Louisa
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM): Steve
Sun(SM, HL, ISM): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Wrong Soundtrack. REALLY WRONG.

2007-05-20T21:54:00.001+08:00

There is something seriously wrong with Bibi's soundtrack for Step today.

I was really getting distracted. I can't decide whether I should be happy at hearing a Final Fantasy battle/preliminary scary big boss area/Omega Weapon-type theme being played while I try to do a box-step-and-step-back-box-step-walk-shuffle-switch-back-mambo. You know how those soundtracks are composed : ominous, low toning, slow, lots of low bass (no, not drums). Here I am trying to do a knee skate or a switch, and my mind keeps on switching instead to confrontation with Omega Weapon and the how the heck I am supposed to line up my game characters and setup their auto-spell, weapons and armor before the boss starts giving out a 999999 damage attack to all my in-play characters, and with a whole slew of status attacks like confuse, poison, sleep and/or blind. Stop! I don't need to do a reverse-straddle, I need to get to a savepoint first!

Its really not right.

And then it also didn't help that it was mixed in together with that hobbit theme soundtrack being used as background during Bilbo's birthday/Hobbit opening scenes in the LOTR movies. I mean, I kept seeing Gandalf and nice hobbitses doing a nice jolly jig/square dance and drinking ale or beer in a really old, comfy tavern somewhere near Bag-End. And green rolling hills. And starry skies. While doing a gallop-around-the-world-4-march-double-knee-single-curl-spin? Even if the tempo's sped up.... its still not registering in my head.

I mean, really. Can you imagine doing a cha-cha-twist-turn-over-the-stop-hammer-spin with that kind of acoustics?

Its like trying to do twist and ballroom dancing with ultra headbanger music.

I hope she doesn't use THAT soundtrack again. There really is something fundamentally wrong with it. I keep seeing Cloud, Aeris, Squall, Tidus, Cid, Omega Weapon and nice little hobbitteses instead of thinking of doing steps,...

Gym Progress 35

2007-05-20T21:05:00.000+08:00

Oracle training week - which means I get to be in Causeway Bay and get off a bit early than usual. Of course, that doesn't mean to say I don't get to work at nights, as this post should cover that one.

A few interesting comments for this week, but I think I'll leave that to a separate post. For now:

Mon (HY,BP,SM): Jean,Stephanie,Steve
Tue (ISM): Dileep, Stanley
Thu (HL,ASM,HY): Bibi, Bibi, Louisa
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM): Calvin*
Sun(SM, HL, ISM): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi**
*There's a reason why I didn't cover the usual CWB afternoon class. You'll see that in this post.
**Very very very very very very very STRANGE...

Enjoying the Routine Change

2007-05-19T21:31:00.000+08:00

Having passed up the usual Saturday gym class, I decided to spend my afternoon by spending quality time with myself.

Starved? Of course.
Book? Terry Prachett's Feet of Clay.
Bored? I haven't seen Spiderman 3 yet.
Shopping? Generally no, but I've recently found out I'm running low on office/casual shoes

I was thinking of watching the movie first, but decided against it since Heather told me about this really nice warehouse sale selling really good branded shoes at a very cheap price. Cheap? and shoes? no way I can pass THAT up.

So, first things first, I passed by a warehouse sale on top of Times Square with Heather. Lots of shoes, at "low" prices. Probably have at least 50% cut off from the original price, but of course, these are branded shoes, which would mean the original price of 3500HKD shoe, slashed down to 1000HKD. Still not cheap, but still ok.

Unfortunately, didn't see anything that suited my tastes.

Raining really bad, and with no umbrella, and my stomach starting to show pangs of rebellion, my next stop was to decide to sit somewhere to eat, and let the afternoon pass by quietly. I was thinking more on the lines of tea time, with probably a nice, delicate cake and iced coffee. No way would I want to be caught in Krispy Kreme (its one of my usual stops) or Starbucks (I'm sick of this already. Starbucks = work) , or anywhere where there are throngs of people. I want my privacy, and I know a lot of you know I value it a lot. Not really a loner by heart, but I do love to enjoy and relax by myself without the chattering or gossiping or talking on more than just a few occasions.

I thought of that nice tea place at G.O.D in front of Lee Theater, but found out that I am so out of the CWB scene. Its already been replaced with a Chinese restaurant, and frankly, I don't feel like chinese. Its full of oil and soy sauce. Doesn't really sound relaxing or tasty to me.

Finally decided to head off to UCC, and it was, I must say, a smart choice. Nice ambiance, with people who are also looking for a place to pass time away without causing much of a ruckus. They're just seated there, drinking coffee, eating cakes and snacks, and definitely spending a LOT of time talking. I got a really nice quiet corner with cushioned seats and got a seafood tomato sauce based risotto, and finally to end the meal with a tiramisu cake and hot coffee. The risotto was a very good choice, in fact. I should've taken some pictures before I gobbled it down, but anyway, I haven't eaten lunch by then. And so, by the time I paid my bill, my stomach was very much satisfied , and I'm feeling much more relaxed compared to a few hours ago.

Was supposed to eat dinner with my family, but they decided to eat out. So I took a quick detour and decided to spend more of the day by myself... I bought a ticket to the Spiderman 3 movie, and finally get to watch it too. If you're asking my about my opinion of the movie.. well.. I mean, it was ok....

Oh, and I also made a detour to HMV, where I got a copy of a few of my favorite movies being sold at a very cheap price (lets just say they were under 50HKD).

Eventually got home, and was very much happy. ^_^ I think I should this more regularly.

What Is It With Feet?

2007-05-19T21:11:00.000+08:00

I got lucky again today.

Life is sooo kind. Its not enough that :

(1) I've been having problems with my knees more than a year ago, which is a continuing nuisance with my daily walking/jogging/gymming activities, but
(2) my toes have also been butchered by inappropriate rubber shoes, which totally blacked out my second toe nail on both pairs of feet
(3) seriously mangled by high heeled shoes for the sake of fashion and an important meeting
(4) skidded and landed on my knees when walking out of a gym branch (causing a lot of huge bleeding there)
(5) landed several times on my aerobics step with my knees first

But today, someone had to nicely step on my very well exposed feet and soon after a few hours, it turned into an ugly red pretty quick... not just in one area, but the whole toe. Exposed because I had to wear flip flops today because it was raining really bad, and I don't want any of my shoes ruined. Turns out a bad choice.

I could barely jump up and down in Calvin's class with the new Mizuno shoes I bought a few months back cause its snug fit and was hitting the poor bruised toe. It didn't look so bad minutes after the incident occurred, but hurt like hell. And then, after the class, the whole toe swelled to an ugly red, and pretty sensitive.

Hence, I skipped the usual Saturday afternoon classes. But I mean, really, what is it with life and its constant picking at my feet/knee/leg?

My Taxpayer Money's Worth

2007-05-16T02:14:00.000+08:00

I left the office at 2am. It was just me and the great big, four-lane-per-direction road (That's 8, for those of you who can't count). I walked across a non-pedestrian section, reasoning logically that, should I decide to be a dutiful citizen and cross the unreasonably wide road legally, it will take me an additional 10 minutes to do so.

No, that definitely wouldn't do.

I crossed, and slightly lingered at the middle. Of the road.

I looked around. It was just me. No cars. No people.

So, to my surprise (not really) and inherent inaneness, I started to hum loudly. I muttered to myself, raised my hands to gesticulate my depressing situation, and condescended in the way I had to be up at an ungodly hour of the night/day. Furthermore, being a firm believer to grab the opportunity when it presents itself, I also took a cheap shot at few personally composed tunes - tunes with words that tried to force themselves to rhyme and with a tune that would probably not pass any non-tone deaf living thing's standard, or or even those with a drunken disposition.

It also emboldened me to know that I may possibly have an endearing audience - ones which would likely show appreciation to a kind, pretty lady like me, singing out with conviction, by hollering me to shut up and at the same time, throw unwanted household articles from at least 7 storeys high. At least, they wouldn't have a good shot at me. Plus, they'd have to get their windows opened first, and make sure their unwanted articles are really unwanted ones, and additionally, would have to concentrate on waking up. That was a very long process for my dear audiences, I reasoned. It would probably take at least 30 seconds, of which I can be out of projectile range by then. I therefore convincingly concluded to myself that Life was on my side.

So, loudly, and with gusto:

"
What the heck and I doing here, its 2:00 in the morning,
I should be in bed, but I'm not.
I'm so dizzy, oh so dizzy from sleep,...

OH! Its just meee.... Ohhhh.. meeee!
I could piss here in the middle of the road,
and no one would seeeEEEeeee!!!
"

I finally gave up on the "I-am-the-only-one-in-the-world-right-now" approach and finally decided to take a taxi that conveniently passed by.

... and was surprised to find a police checkpoint a little off where I lighted the taxi. They're generally, basically checking up on all the cars running around and making sure the people inside are not of a suspicious or problematic-policing nature.

But, I am just glad I didn't get caught going on an uproar while walking in the middle of the road at 2am in the morning.

Good experience. Now, time to sleep.

Gym Progress 34

2007-05-13T00:54:00.000+08:00

Don't bother me, I'm busy and pissed.

Mon (BP,SM): Francis,Steve
Thu (ASM): Bibi, Feo
Fri (IHL, HL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM, ISM): Calvin, Steve
Sun(SM,HL,ASM): Suzette,Bibi, Bibi

Somethin' Stupid

2007-05-12T00:33:00.000+08:00

There are things that make living worthwhile.
There's hope, there's love, there's belief, there's conviction.

...

There are also things that make living look like its worthwhile. And don't be surprised to find out they're also the very same things.

See the lady dressed in the pink petticoat and with a perfect, enchanted smile.
See the gentleman in double breasted, crisp coat, and his crown topped with a strict, sturdy top hat.

Perfect? Too Perfect? Imperfect, compared to actual reality? true? false? pretentious?

I've always like the idea of the consumers and producers. They're a complementary lot, aren't they?
But which side would you rather be on?

I've always wanted to be the producer. But I've become so entrenched in my own idea to be a producer that I've inadvertedly made myself as much a consumer than anything else. I attend classes. dance instructions, Voice lessons, gym sessions. I listen to what people say, I hear their opinions, I believed that I respected them and whole heartedly accepted them...

Doesn't that seem odd to you? or or does it strike as perfectly normal?

Something has to stop. And I think I know what it is.

Now the only problem is to figure out if that's the truth ... or not.

Gym Progress 33

2007-05-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

Monday Messing about with Steve's class :P
Tuesday May 1 Holiday. Hatha Yoga with Dileep - is good. As always, my back hurts after. The aero room seemed a bit hot...
Wednesday Sunny body balance good ... compared to another instructor I know. By LOTS. It seemed really hot in the aero room again, isn't it? I had my pants folded up to knee length.
Thursday Half day off... go to Immigration, Police Report, Doctor. Lost that darn octopus wallet. Gosh, its still hot in the aero room...
Friday can't see Bibi... all people big in front of me... sometimes its frustrating that way... but finally can follow. What is it? Is it the weather or something?
Saturday Calvin was ok... but really got sick of the really hot weather. I cut my hair really short. For now. Should've been shorter.
Sunday Really off for some strange reason.... a bit redeemed with the last class, but not by a lot.

Mon (BP,SM): Francis,Steve
Tue (HY,SM,ISM): Dileep, Bibi, Stanley
Wed (BB,ISM): Sunny, Bibi
Thu (HL,ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM): Calvin
Sun(SM, HL, ISM): Suzette, Suzette, Lok

Running log:
Sat(T):2.5@18:14mins (speed)
Sun(P):~7km@45mins

Gym Progress 32

2007-04-28T23:05:00.000+08:00

Work HELL week. That should explain everything.

Mon (BP,SM): Stephanie,Steve
Fri (ASM): Bibi
Sat (ISM): Calvin
Sun(HL, SM, ASM, IHL): Suzette, Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Gym Progress 31

2007-04-17T00:10:00.000+08:00

Pretty much the usual stuff, except for the fact that Suzette went on a belly dancing class so she took a week off from her Sunday classes. Lok was good though, surprisingly enough.

And finally, I was glad to have gone to the PPL class on Sunday... it seems like it was the final class - and they're going to terminate it. That's quite unfair. I am very sentimental about that one, because it was the first class for Bibi that I regularly went to and learned her "style". Too bad they were going to get rid of it... oh well. Better celebrate and enjoy the last class then.

For some strange reason though, I've been mighty hungry and eating non stop this week... don't know what's gotten over me. I just know I'm still slightly sick though.

Mon (BP,SM): Francis,Steve
Tue (ISM): Bibi
Thu (HL,ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM, ISM): Calvin, Steve
Sun(SM, HL, ASM, IHL): Lok, Bibi, Bibi, Bibi

Gym Progress 30

2007-04-15T21:23:00.000+08:00

Sick, sick, sick and still really sick from the holidays. Came back to Hong Kong and it was a Holiday Monday. Of course, I was still a bit sick, but being back in Hong Kong made me feel infinitely better then hanging about in China.

And as a reflection and a prime example of all stupid gym aerobics goers everywhere - me and my just 3 day elapsed episode from a surgery, Hiro and his almost 10 day hiatus after a appendix surgery, Stanley and his "I have made an appointment with the doctor, but I'm still going to teach ISM", Heather and her "I'm really sick and so I should do Hi-Lo to make myself better", I insisted on going to at least one class on Monday... which resulted in an ugly fight between me and my brother. I mean, of course he was concerned... I was happy for that. But like all the people I meet every weekend at the aerobics studio, I was also stubborn and don't want my condition to get in the way of what I did that made me enthusiastic. Needless to say, I did go, but I couldn't do the bodypump class afterwards anymore. I was ready to lie down into my grave.

At the same time, I dropped the souvenir gift to Hiro - which resulted in a quite strange and laughable conversation the next day about him thinking that the goat milk tablets were pet food. But, he did like the pet food though :P

Thursday I was bored, and want to leave office already. I did have a scheduled 5-6pm meeting, which valiantly clashed with the 18:40 class that I usually go to - But still made it in time.

Come Friday our work team was relocating to another location in Hong Kong. I'm not particularly crazy about it - you'd think I would be, considering the office would now me just 7 minutes away from my home - but because it would now be officially farther away from the gym branches that I rush to on normal Thursday and Fridays. Well, in any case, despite that, the office packed and finished early, and to my grief, afterwards, I didn't how to kill the time. It also didn't help that during the class itself, I constantly was being squished by 2 people for a double step session that night. Fine, I wasn't exactly perfect with the choreography either, but I wasn't the sore thumb entirely. But nevertheless, I felt bad about the whole thing.

Saturday I went to Whampoa, but Calvin seems wasted. He looked like someone who was going through a very big hangover, and a messy breakup, and kept on losing the beat. Eventually, Heather and I decided to head off to PPL to catch the next class at 14:40, which, when seen in the proper context, was absolutely preposterous because Calvin's class finishes at 14:30, we had only 10 minutes to get from one branch to the other. It had to do something with :

(1) leaving the class 5 minutes early,
(2) scrambling to change clothes (or not) without a shower,
(3) running frantically to catch a free taxi,
(4) having to explain exactly WHERE we should be dropped off (of course that was Heather, not me. I can barely carry a decent conversation in Cantonese)
(4) running straight into the gym without having to time in because the reception people were so slow,
(5) going straight to the class where everybody was already doing warm up for 3 minutes, and
(6) trying to squeeze in in an almost full room and ending up being 1 feet away from a pillar at the back end of the room with a 4x2 feet space
(7) but still enjoying it at the same time even up until at the end of the class.

And to end the week, I have a boredom Sunday... getting a bad craving to figure out the sense in doing what I've done for the past week and wonder why in the world I had to follow an instructor for choreography. I almost walked out at Bibi's ASM class - quite scary. Maybe some brain imbalance, perhaps?

Oh, and did I mention someone bought that adorable donkey doll I saw in Beijing that would frantically and crazily do a wild head banging left-to-right movement with its head, and a capital accentuated further donkey ears that would follow the head left to right? It was quite crazy... we should have the donkey do the aerobics class together up front with Bibi instead.

This is all in the life of an aerobics freak....

Mon (ISM): Bibi
Tue (ISM): Stanley
Thu (ASM): Bibi
Fri (IHL, HL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi, Bibi
Sat (BP, ISM, ISM): Eric, Calvin, Bibi
Sun(IHL, SM, HL, ASM): Suzette, Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

92 hours of sleep

2007-04-09T21:29:00.000+08:00

As mentioned, I was sick from Wednesday to ... well to when I came back to Hong Kong and onwards. But Wednesday was the onset of my terrible experience. I had a innocent cough, which I smartly decided to drop by the doctor to get some meds before heading off to China on the same night on Wednesday immediately right after the Oracle training.

Fat chance and help THAT did.

I was dozing in and out of sleep.
I woke up in the morning, and I ate breakfast, and went back to bed.
I woke up at lunch, and I ate some lunch, and went back to bed.
I woke up in the evening, and I gulped down some soup for dinner, and went back to bed.
Repeat cycle for 4 days.

Well, there were a couple of days when I was delirious and freezing my bones off because the wind was quite cold in China, and there were barely any sun. My head was having a splitting headache when I moved by eyes from left to right to up and down, so I was limited to looking straight all the time. Not that I needed to make that much of an effort, since I was always in bed sleeping (and coughing really bad). I got to the point where I was hallucinating snow while I looked out of the courtyard trying to at least enjoy a bit of fresh air during some of my waking lapses.

It was really horrible. I kept on sleeping and sleeping, and the worse part about it was... I would EASILY fall asleep when I hit the bed. You'd think I'd be really wide awake after sleeping a whole day, but NooOOOOOooo... even 4 days doesn't cut it.

First time in my whole life I've slept for so long... I don't know if I should be happy or not.

Of course not... my lungs were practically burning everytime I spurt out a cough when sleeping. It was horrible. I could not wait to get back to Hong Kong where its warm and familiar.... first time I've deliriously thought of Hong Kong as "home"....

"gotta get home soon... really soon... go home.. go home...I'm dying..." *imagine Hong Kong*

Gym Progress 29

2007-04-08T21:21:00.000+08:00

Week of training at Oracle. No work! *clap clap* But had to leave for China on Wednesday. Hence... lots of "None" indicated in this week's schedule. The trip to China would've been nice... if only I wasn't sick, sick, sick all the way through the whole vacation....

Mon (BP, SM): Francis, Steve
Tue (ISM): Stanley
Wed (N/A): None
Thu (N/A): None
Fri (N/A): None
Sat (N/A): None
Sun(N/A): None

Running log:
Fri(T):5km from town center to China home

Gym Progress 28

2007-04-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

Normal, normal. Nothing much to say....

Mon (SM): Bibi
Tue (ISM): Stanley
Wed (ISM): Grace
Fri (IHL): Bibi
Sat (ISM,ISM): Calvin, Steve
Sun(SM, HL, ASM): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Running log:
Nil

Learning To Live

2007-03-27T02:32:00.000+08:00

Past months I've caught up with gym, marathons, work, work and more work. Its amazing how we can get so caught up with the moment and "just do it" for every request or whim that we receive. During the past months I've probably disregarded by knees, legs, ankles, hair, face... such physical features have ever since served no purpose or importance to me - they're just like a slight nuisance on physicality. They've never been top priority to me, compared to those who meticulously groom themselves to appear presentable. They're, in my book, what I call vanities that as being human, we can do away with.

Until each and everyone of the people I know started saying how haggard I looked. How dark circles have formed under my eyes. How thin I've become, and not in a healthy way. How I have amazing panda eyes, and at least a hundred pimple scars on my face.

These are the first indications of wear and tear. What's more, I can sometimes imagine my hamstrings and knees internally bleeding after a rough day's workout. How my shoulders would continuously start popping every 5 minutes without me meaning to have them pop. How I would start feeling like doozing off while I worked away in the office. How inflexible I have become. How my knees would be sore when I was merely sitting in my office desk, and how the back of my knees would sting every time my skirt would lightly brush against it while walking. Its deterioration to an almost god-awful degree, and yet, here I am still pushing myself.

Someone told me I had to take care. I looked a lot older than my age now, and this is considering only 6 months back, someone at the gym mistakenly thought I was a university student, instead of a late twenties yuppie.

It was a transformation to the highest degree... and I look at myself in the mirror, and think "I need some downtime. Look at the pitiful state that I've become."

A few examples in life makes sense. A handful of them look selfish on the surface. I've always thought to not take a free seat when getting on a subway, if and when its available. But I also found it to be wrong if I see an old, aging man standing on the same subway train because no one had the thought of giving up their seat for them. Sometimes you have to be selfish to do the things you want to do - I take any free seat available now, in the hopes that if in case an elderly walks into the train, I have the choice to give my seat, instead of hoping that someone else who has the seat to offer theirs. Empowerment can be as small as taking the next free seat.

I'm an idealistic person. If I could make the world a better place, I would, no matter stupid or silly it may sound. But being tired isn't going to empower me to do the things that matter to me... Life never waits for anyone, its just a set of opportunities for those who would want to grab them, and I can't be caught sleeping, tired, disabled or unable when the opportunity comes knocking by.

Maybe appearances aren't entirely vanity, after all. I have to take care of myself. Knowing this should be part of the solution, and I have a long way to go to reverse six months worth of deterioration that has added ten years to my face.

And maybe, hopefully.. the next time I look in the mirror, I can get the chance to see that smiling, beaming university student again.

But first off - good sleep. Its quite late. ^_^

How Strange!

2007-03-25T18:39:00.000+08:00

Normally, my nephew would come into my room and mess up my CD collection. He opens up the cases, and scatters them all over the floor. Its a pain, but then, that's ok. He's a kid.

Today I bought a CD soundtrack of Billy Elliot the movie. It was playing when my nephew came in. I thought, "oh no, he's going to mess it all up again...." but I took him up and placed him on my lap and in front of the computer while one of the songs from the CD was playing.

There's two things that he would usually do: say "ABC..." which is one of those children computer games that play the alphabet, and another would be, like I said, mess up my CDs. The CDs were all clearly in front of the table.

To my surprise, he did neither.

With the music coming out of my very nice Altec Lansing speakers to the song of Stephen Gately's I Believe, he just sat there and suprisingly, ..... started listening. A two and a half year old, appreciating pop music that's he's just only heard once?

How strange! .. and interesting. :)

Gym Progress 27

2007-03-25T07:49:00.000+08:00

Contrary to what you may calculate, the running log with the "speed" label may seem grossly slower than my Sunday park run, but please consider that the time also includes the warm up (I'm lazy) .. probably somewhere between 3-5 minutes at the start ^_^

I think I will have to reschedule my park runs to some other day than Sunday... my legs are practically dead after my regular classes.

Tue (ISM): Stanley
Wed (ISM): Grace
Thu (HL,ASM): Bibi
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM,ISM): Calvin, Steve
Sun(SM, HL, ASM): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Running log:
Sat(T):~3.18@22:5mins (speed)
Sun(P):~7km@45mins

Gym Progress 26

2007-03-18T21:08:00.000+08:00

I'd go for a marathon then. See how much I can push myself. Anyway, its a year away.. just enough time for me to learn all that I can about how to train for different types of training - tempo runs, speedwork, hill whatnots... Actually, I have no idea what they are. I just read them in a running magazine. ^_^

Last Saturday for Calvin's class it was really fun. We spent 30 minutes learning the basic moves, and then he suggested to do a parallel circle train thingie. Kors there was the outer circle, and then there was the inner circle.. where err.. I joined in. There was probably around 7 of us in the inner circle.And uhm... messed around I suppose. But I kinda got it afterwards. And first time I actually had to interact with Calvin... it was quite funny.. I suppose I was one of the two girls in the inner circle, and the rest were guys, and I was trying so hard not to hit any of them (I could follow) because you know how guys are... they're huge giants. And no sense of decency... hahaha they just give it all they got - and poor me, I was trying very hard not to bump into any of them.

Sunday? My knees were very, very, VERY dead.

Mon (SM): Steve
Wed (ISM): Grace
Thu (HL,ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Fri (IHL, ISM, ASM): Bibi, Stanley, Bibi
Sat (ISM,ISM,BB): Calvin, Steve, Steve
Sun(SM, HL, ASM, IHL): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi, Bibi

Running log:
Wed(T):7.5km@~60min
Sat(T):~2.5@22mins (speed),3.2km@23.5mins (speed)
Sun(P):~8km@55mins

Interesting Speedwork Training

2007-03-18T08:32:00.000+08:00

I just read this article from Runners World magazine about training for speed. In fact, I'm been immersing myself in running magazines a week before the marathon, and they're all quite interesting.

Back to the speed training. It suggested to increase your pacing at certain intervals (e.g. 10-20 seconds) in between the regular "easy" jog at least 5 times during the training run. So, for example, the scenario:

you run at an easy pace, then
switch to the enhanced pacing - the definition was imagine that you are running over hot coals - for 15 seconds.
revert back to 20-30 seconds of easy jogging
repeat the hot coals run again for 15 seconds.
Do this at least 5 times
if you can do it, increase the hot coals section to 20 seconds,
then revert back to 20-30 seconds of easy jogging
repeat 5 more times

In fact, yesterday was the first time that I've tried this tactic, and I'm pleased to say it works quite well with a treadmill. The increased pacing was slightly holding me back - I can't very well run into and over the front of the treadmill - so when I increased the distance/time, I was coping much better. The enhanced pacing now apply to the increased speed, and without holding back. This makes the jogging feel a whole lot easier. Normally my maximum speed setting is 9.0, but yesterday I was able to set it up to 9.4. Well, I was already putting up an effort at 9.4, but it was still sustainable for a minute or so. But at the 9.3 setting, it was an ok pace for me.

Cool. I should read more running magazines from now on.

Post Marathon Thoughts (1)

2007-03-11T19:53:00.000+08:00

Should I start training for a half marathon, or a faster 10k?

After my 73 minute run for the 10k, and seeing that I was slacking off during the last 3 km, I would like to target for a 55/50minute 10k run.

But I want to also run for a half marathon. Maybe timing myself at 2:15 or 2:00, howsthat?

I've started to run at the gym recently, just to ride on the exercise that I got during last Sunday (my whole leg hurt). At the moment I have 1 year to train up... that should be a lot of time.

Half marathon, or 10km again?

I need to read up on popular literature about this. Maybe I'll have some sort of definitive goal after a week.

Gym Progress 25

2007-03-11T19:49:00.000+08:00

Busy week... I'd also say recovery week for the first half. Recovering from the marathon. And then it got really busy from there onwards.

I ran for 15-20 minutes for all three days... Trying to see how fast I can go on a treadmill in preparation for next year's marathon ^_^. Trying to capitalize on the warm up that I get for each aerobics session that I go to.

Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM): Steve
Sun(SM, HL, ASM): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Standard Chartered Marathon Results 2007

2007-03-06T23:00:00.000+08:00

Fine, the website is way too busy to access the results right now.

RESULTS (2007)

Position

Cate-gory*

Race
no.

English
Name

Chinese
Name

Country

Time

Overall*

Gender

Cate-gory

Official

Chip

10km*

Half Way *

30km*

4461

593

309

TFS

91052

TIU CLAIRE

Philippines

1:13:41

1:12:31

N/A

I was curious how far back I was in the list of overall, gender and race categories. Here' the numbers:

Gender (Women):
Junior 63
Senior 575 (309 place)
Master1 293
Master2 117
Run1 2156
Run2 4380
TOTAL 7584 (593 place)

Gender (Men):
Junior 244
Senior 2408
Master1 1184
Master2 765
Run1 3752
Run2 4955
TOTAL 13308

Total Overall 20892 (4461 place)

So, statistically speaking, my ranking was ok? Not really exceptional... hahaha. But that will teach me to not leisurely walk and look around while running a 10k marathon. ROFL.

Gym Progress 24

2007-03-03T23:59:00.001+08:00

Tiring week... not because of gym, but because there were a lot of work related stuff needed to be done. As you can see, there's not much to look for, except for that nice asterisk at the end of Sunday... you'll see in one of my posts if you follow the link. *wink*

Mon (SM): Michelle
Tue (IHL, ISM): Bibi, Lok
Fri (IHL): Bibi
Sun* (IHL, SM, HL, ASM): Suzette, Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Apprehension

2007-03-03T23:59:00.000+08:00

Finally... after so much dreaming and aspiring, I've finally done what needed to be done - my first step towards a goal I'd crazily come up, not knowing if I can do it or not.

Recap, for those of you not in the know...
The goal started a little over a year ago...
And then another mention a year later...
And finally... better be late than never... a trial training. The one and only time.

And then, finally it came. Its not a full fledged contest, but its a start. I wouldn't have dreamed of attempting something like this a few years ago, but when the day came, I had to do it. No going back.

I was scared sh*tless three days before the event. I've never tried doing it before. Not at that length. Not continuously in one practice session. Probably a few spurts here and there when I actually went jogging, but not the full length for that event. I was scared I wouldn't be able to finish it... I was apprehensive of deciding to just give up at the middle, and lose face because all the others were able to do it. Kids. Parents. Less physically fortunate people. Granddaddies. All I had was a goal, a hope, and an aspiration that somehow, all those gym sessions would pay off. An idea that I could and would be able to do it, despite all odds. Despite the one and only training 1 week before. Despite the fact that I didn't prepare for it at all, and hope against hope that all that jumping, turning, twisting, moving and skittering across the gym aerobics floor for 4-hours a day, 12 hours a week, would somehow help.

It didn't make things better that the one and only time I trained for it, my shins hurt so bad for a few days, I thought it would never heal when the actual day arrived. And before that, on a Thursday the week before, my left calf froze up on me from out of the blue, and left me slightly limping for a week. And exactly a week before, immediately a day after my first and only training, I had to deal with work that had me going on and on without sleep for 48 hours. Or the long nights that continued on afterwards because work was so overloaded. I was totally deprived of good sleep. One day before the event, I had to work the whole day. How am I supposed to be at my optimal best?

Who wouldn't be scared when everything wrong seemed to be coming my way as the day approached?

I couldn't sleep that night, even though I hit the sack at ten in the evening. I was worried, I was excited. I was apprehensive. I woke up at midnight. At three in the morning. And every few minutes after that. I kept thinking.. its time to get up. I had 3 or 4 different dreams that night, even though I couldn't continuously sleep.

Finally, I gave up and woke at 4. I put on my new shirt, my old gear, laced my trusty and only running shoes, remembered to bring my HKID card, my number badge and my music player. I skittered over down the building and grabbed a small size malt soy bean milk to have something for my stomach so early in the morning. The weather was cool, but not cold enough to freeze me while wearing my sleeveless running shirt. I took the subway... and the whole carriage, at 4:20am, was filled with participants joining the same event. Everyone was wearing their chipsets. Some looked amateurish. Some looked professional, some looked inconspicuous. And all I can think of is,

"Will I be able to make it to the finish line?"

Anticipation

2007-03-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

I got to Tsim Sha Tsui, the destination starting point for the first of my end games. At 4:50 in the morning, the place was starting to get packed. The streets were damp due to rain the night before, but it wasn't raining now. There was just a slight, innocent drizzle and a fresh blowing wind across the area.

I did what I had to do, pre-race. My physiotherapist taught me that. My gym instructors pounded that in. If I can't finish this race, I could at least make sure that I can get out of the game unscathed and uninjured.

Beforehand, I met up with my manager who had joined the race a year before. His best time then was 55 minutes. But that didn't matter. I wasn't about do something silly like beating his record... I never was a competitor in the first place. I've always tried my best to work with people, not compete with them (unless they intentionally do something bad to others). It wasn't a competition against others. It wasn't about losing face if my manager was faster than I was, even though it seemed like I worked out regularly far more than he did. It was all about me beating myself in my own game.

Everything was about breaking down my preconcieved notions. More often than not, it was always easier for me to put myself down, than up. It was easier for me to believe in others than in myself. Circumstances always stop me. I make excuses for myself if I never achieve my goals. A lot of people put me down. But I also let them put me down. Is there anything that I can't do to make myself sink deeper in that wallowing, self deprecating state that was so signature of myself when allowed the chance to express myself sincerely?

Then it was time. This was it. My chance to see if I can flex my emotional confidence in myself... just to be able say and believe it when I say, "I ain't THAT bad, after all."

We went to the starting line 15 minutes before the actual start time. Lots of people. Excitement was running high amongst the people around me. The organizers started to talk. To prep us all for what's coming. And everyone was enjoying it. And happy. at 5:30 in the morning. It was infectious. We were all clapping. Cheering. And, hoping that we could all start running.

And then a few seconds later, countdown. And then we were all off.

Exhilaration

2007-03-03T23:30:00.000+08:00

At first it was a slow run. In fact, I wouldn't even call it a run. I wouldn't even call it a brisk walk. We were all a snail pace and shoulder to shoulder against each other and walking a bit faster than normal, but that was it. And then, after the first 200 meters, we were all running.

People scrambling left and right. Kids running around really fast with their pent up energy and youthful enthusiasm, hoping to make it to the finish line before their classmates. Teenagers jogging alongside their best friends, running friends, most likely made a wager on who would finish first. More mature people starting and sticking at their own pace, on their own good time, with their own style, steady and anchored, like how most mature people their age do, and have acquired during their years - with their own opinions, strategies and styles to beat themselves and others at this game.

And me, hoping against hope that I will be able to make it through this race in one piece.

I ran the best way that I know how. Keep up pace with everyone, but still keeping myself back when seeing people who were steadily distancing the gap between me and them. I didn't push, because I knew, if I pushed myself now, I will never make it to the finish line. My voice teacher have occasionally said and stressed, in singing, it was all about breath management. I don't think he realized, that in a race like this, the same principle also applied.

I ran. We all ran. 1km, 2km, 3km. And then, the dreaded tunnel.

It was damp, claustrophobic, and the air quite dead. It took most of my stamina to get past the place, but halfway through the tunnel, I started getting cramps. Serious ones that happen when you've exerted too much effort without letting the body warm up enough to get a steady pace. The dead air didn't help. So I stopped. I didn't push. I knew if I did, it will be the end of it. I slowed down my pace and started walking carefully. Early on in the race, I've already seen a few people injured and across the pavement, with medics on alert that day attending to them. I didn't want to be one of those people. But my cramps really hurt, and it took all my effort to even just walk upright. I thought, never mind if all the people around me are still running strong while I'm one of the few people who are walking along. Even if those people walking are middle aged men, and I was a young looking youthful woman. I should be in my top shape, but irregardless, I was walking. Who cares. My cramps are killing me.

Honestly? I was scared sh*tless that THAT was the end of it. I've jogged several times to know that when the cramps hit me, it was all over. I always gave up, cooled down, and headed home. If I even attempted to run with some bit of cramp, they always get back to me full blown after a few meters. The same cramps were the ones that I was avoiding in the first place... the one thing that would stop me from finishing the race. I could always push myself if I was really tired. I could put my mind to it and ignore the fatigue, and if my knees or legs were numb, I would just ignore them and go on. I had a huge tolerance for pain in that sense, but the cramps would be the worst. It would be the thing that would signal a game over. I was already thinking of approaching someone to tell them to walk me to the next medic station so I can take a rest. Yes, things got THAT bad.

But there it was, a breeze at the end of the tunnel. A whiff of fresh air. It took me a few minutes to enjoy that, and to realize that... the cramps were suddenly gone.

That's when I flew.

Past everyone that was still remaining in the game. I was going forward, up and down the flyover, incline and decline without breaking a sweat. Or hyperventilating. There was no more thinking about breath management. In the past, I told myself constantly that the key to finishing this race is to get my rhythm right. And at that point, my rhythm was one that I would never soon forget.

It was effortless.

It might sound like I'm bragging at the moment, but I'm not. I'm just saying, it was the greatest feeling in the world. At that point, there was only one feeling. Exhilaration. You knew for some strange reason that you could conquer the world, (the race anyway) if you wanted to. The sky was starting to fill with colors, and reds, oranges and blues were starting to appear. The wind was blowing against my face. I used to think inclines were the worst, but I wasn't even thinking about it when I was jogging up. I ran past most of the people, and I still didn't feel like I was winding down.

Hahaha... but the bad part about it, is that at some time near the finish line, I did stop. I knew the finish line was near, so 2 km before the finish line, I started slowing down to look at the people around me. I took water breaks when there was one, I looked around for familiar faces, looked at the buildings, the spectators, the coordinators.. everything except the marathon.

What a slice of my personality. I finally got to the end, jogging leisurely with the appearance of looking nice and proper at the finish line. Vain? Yes. And yes, I finally crossed the finish line.

Then I had a banana, a sports drink and a few additional swags of water. And of course, a few stretches to wrap up the game.

"Click me! I did it!"

What a fantastic experience. I think I can do half marathon next year. I have one year to train now... and this time, I will do it without fear.

And when people ask me about the marathon, I say: "I did 10km, the shortest. But I'm proud to have made it in one piece... I finished it!"

Taking a Break... (1)

2007-02-27T10:08:00.000+08:00

After that horrendous experience last weekend (over 60 SMS messages in a span of two days on several issues and a total equivalent of over 15 hours of unscheduled weekend work) , I'm glad to have been able to get a break today to kill off all that accumulated work related stress that's been piling up for months and months. Ten in the morning, and I'm already lounging at the local library writing up this post and just being laid back about it all.

In fact, the break started out pretty much last night when I finished off a couple of minor things at the office and left for a well deserved perk - gym, of course. You should've guessed it by now. Its the only consistent thing that's regularly plastered in this blog. Not that I'm particularly euphoric about the class I'm about to take, but I did have a straight 36 hour waking time over the weekend, coupled with a first time training first thing Saturday morning for my upcoming marathon event (this Sunday) which likely caused internal bleeding on both left and right shins - yes, that's my imagination talking - and completed 2 gym classes. And then the nightmare began. But then, that's not the point of this post. The point is about having the lack of sleep, thus having me pick out this particular earlier Monday gym class, over another that starts at 20:40 .... Its quite too late for me... I'm afraid I will fall over my face if I attempted that, despite the fact that I liked the latter class' instructor far more than the one I was going to attend now.

The class was ok, but I had a nice talk with Hiro afterwards and on the way back to home. That's pretty much the extent of my social interaction for today. Better than being the loner hermit that doesn't have any human contact.

Of which afterwards, coming back from the gym, I gobbled on some quick dinner... and started watching Prison Break. Until 3am. While downing down several packets of Nestle Crunch and black glutinous rice sweet dessert soup.

So much for that little trivia earlier with Hiro mentioning 10pm to 2am being the optimal time for resting and sleeping. He said man can live by sleeping at this 4 hour window with optimal rest. And hopefully also getting rid of the acne that sporadically pops everywhere on my face these days.

After that, I started today with some bread, a quick passby the office to check on any urgent issues, and a long lounge at the Kosmo smoothie bar at LKF while reading up on Men's Fitness and Vogue, and just taking my sweet time - while drinking that ultra-constant favorite, a Popular (that's equivalent to Large size) Rush consisting of pineapple, yogurt and banana.

Eventually 10am brought me up to pass by the office to grab a much anticipated subsidized bite - condensed milk, honey and peanut butter on whole wheat toast. As you can see, I've been constantly eating since last night. The wonders of going to the gym for an average of 10 times a week. I barely have to think about what I eat. How cool. But I do admit I am starting to grow a paunch... gym is ok, but I haven't been lifting weights at all. Its weights that keep my weight down, not the aerobics classes, actually.

So.. library now. After this post, hoping to hit the books and magazines. And hopefully I can start reviewing that "life objective" that I've been leaving out and neglecting for so long - something that I've learned to do after reading Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. It's really quite useful actually. It needs some mass updating after 6 months of neglect, which I figured, is actually a good thing. That means that I've changed much since my last evaluation to admit that my life's objectives need some realigning and revamping.

After this, I'm going to the gym to get back what I missed last Sunday ... a really deserved spinning session. And maybe watch Borat and Going Home at the cinema across the gym branch. I have a pretty good feeling that is going to be a great day.

Camut Band (Its Not Something You Want To Miss)

2007-02-25T22:23:00.000+08:00

Truth to tell, I had no idea what I was going into when I bought tickets for this show to be performed at the Central Hong Kong City Hall. All I knew is that I live on music, I like rhythm, I love moving my feet to the beat (my gym progresses can attest to that) and I love jumping and spinning round and round. Take the fact that was Itaking jazz dancing at the time that the ads for this show came out, and I was in a full fledged adrenaline rush for dancing and performing, I quickly picked out this show along side a fully orchestra supported ballet performance and a dark play directed by Tim Robbins to satisfy my energetic whims.

I was ready to fall asleep before the show - having worked full day straight, and missing out on ALL my Sunday gym classes due to this, and add the fact that I have been awake since 7am in the morning on Saturday - I was really ready to fall flat on my face and snore the show away.

Boy, was I wrong.

The show was awesome. There's probably not enough adjectives in my vocabulary to express my enthusiasm and excitement after watching the show, but allow me to take my best shot:

Four sensational tap dancers, two impressive percussionists, a lot of rhythm, spinning, humor, audience interaction and a whole new world to behold after seeing what the medium of tap dancing and percussion drumming can express, compressed in a roughly two hour show.

Using the feet to create the beat? Check.
Tap dancing for the Blues? Check.
Rap themed dance step to the medium of sand in a box? Check.
Flamenco oriented groove? Check.
Chanting in an a capella type presentation with humor and acting? Check.
High speed tapping faster than you can say Flash? Check.
Lively audience participation? Check.
Lots of spinning, twisting, tapping, jumping and flying? Check, check, check, check and check!

Totally well worth paid ticket to a show I'm glad I did not miss.. its amazing to see dancers who makes music out of nothing, the stomp and slide to beat to their feet and moving in a fluid like, spunky smooth grace that will leave your eyes glued to the stage and your hands clapping. The best of all? Its not a snobbish, only for the higher classes show. Even better, its best show for both adults and kids to enjoy - whether you like music or not. Cool.

Would've begged for more. SoooOOOoo well worth it.

Catch their website at www.camutband.com

Gym Progress 23

2007-02-25T18:40:00.000+08:00

Chinese new year. Nice choreography from Steve, too bad I missed it. Lots of pai nin to relatives so can only make it to one for Monday.

Thursday? Feet's killing me. Still couldn't figure out why. Didnt trip or anything. Friday feet's still killing me.

Mon (IHL): Bibi
Tue (ISM): Stanley
Thu (ASM): Bibi,Bibi
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM, ISM): Calvin, Steve
Sun (XXXX): Can you believe it? None!

Hako Iri Musume

2007-02-19T18:45:00.000+08:00

NOTE: There's a bit of psychobabble and rant here, so feel free to skip. Actually, I think the length of the post itself might have turned you off already.

Literally translated as "Daughter in a box" in Japanese, this term refers to daughters who are sheltered and protected by the family to the point of being "in a box".

Something I learned from Hiro - the super japanese gym guy - on our way to our destinations after today's class - him to the CB class which I wanted to join if I really had the time, but I had to do some "relative visits" customary for the Chinese New Year. I go tomorrow to that class (with the same instructor) instead. For me, my destination was back home, to pick up my nephew and visit some more relatives.

After the conversation, he went off to his merry way. It wasn't actually a big deal when I first heard the phrase from him, but after he went off and I was left to my own personal world again... it started nudging back inside my head. It was like those little viruses that sneak into your body and you start feeling slightly uncomfortable. Then you start getting a bit of sniffles, then your throat starts getting dry, and you start coughing really bad. Likewise, the phrase snuck up and got stuck in my mind. Worse, it bothered me and kept repeating inside my head. It kept on repeating and repeating. It was definitely bad news.

I kept on thinking: It was an unfair phrase. Knowing that such a term exists in another language, was a revelation that was interesting, but also suffocating and quite depressing.

For a quick overview, Hako refers to "box". For the japanese word itself, I've always associated and imagine a plain carton brown box... not a big one, but a small one that is simple in design and appearance, which opens at the top, much like those little boxes used for gift wrapping and holding luxury items. Iri - not being a japanese expert, but I was told it was a verbial form that means "to be placed inside". Musume refers to "daughter".

As a child I've always hated being a daughter. I hated being female, I hated being the only girl, and I hated being the youngest. I've also hated the position I've always been placed. I've never been allowed the freedom to commute-bus, taxi, train or otherwise. If I needed something I had to have one of my brothers with me. On school excursions I would be chaperoned by one of my brothers - I would be the only one in my whole class who would have a brother tag along to beach excursions .... at 16. That's a preposterous age to be chaperoned. And trust me, also quite embarrassing. How can you enjoy with your friends when one of your brothers is within a 10 feet radius from you - and he's probably not liking the experience either. Who would want to babysit their little sister ALL the time.

Worse, even at an age as early as 8, I've already written a birthday card for my eldest brother, explaining my "gratitude" and my "apologies" for the times he had to pick me up and drive to school when he was still in his college days. At 8. After reading and rereading, and in my embarrassment, I did not give it to him. I just greeted him a Happy Birthday. The last time, when I was already working, I came home to the Philippines and was cleaning up my room, I saw the same card in my scrawny handwriting. It was still there, after all these years. And its still there now.

When I think about it right now, its not fair for an 8 year old to be sorry for herself, and others, just because her family thinks she needs to be protected and taken care like a porcelain doll.

I never wanted to be a bother to anyone... I loved anonymity. I wanted freedom. I wanted expression. At the age of 20, I don't want anyone to be forced to change their schedules so that they can pick me up at school everyday. I couldn't go to extra curricular activities because no one had the time to drive me or pick me up after school. I sacrificed joining the glee club because of that. I wanted to have friends to hang out with after school.. but I couldn't because I also had to compromise with my brothers - they can't pick me up late. I can't go to bars, I can't eat out late, I can't drink, I can't party, I can't hang out.

It can also be a bit stifling when it comes to exercising your decision muscles. I've always resorted to "I can't, its too late" or "my parents won't like it". When I have a boyfriend, they don't really trust my decision. They would say that they do not believe my boyfriend would protect me in case anything really bad happens. They wouldn't react and think to my best interests. "Only family can do that," they say.

I do not blame my family, but I wish I could've done something better. But then, at the age of 8, how much thoughts can and should you think, and how many decisions can you make that can be life altering? The phrase is a depressing idiom, and in some sense, I'm not much surprised a term such as this exists outside the Chinese language. Things are better now. I do have my freedom, and I can make decisions on my own with the respect of my family. Almost, but not quite though. Past is not yet behind me, but it is far better than before... but... I can't help the feeling that I've been somewhat robbed of one aspect of my childhood, and at some level, altered, and still pervades my impressions, thoughts and opinions until present.

Yes, I know I can fix and make my own decisions now, and not let the past affect the present... but its still not fair.

FINE. I hear what you say. Life is not fair anyway.

Being a girl, the only, or the youngest one, sucks. No wonder I don't like losing to guys.

*Oh, incidentally, as a side note, Hako Iri Musame is a popular puzzle. I hit on tons of them when researching... even came across a programming code for the game.
** Here is a definition from Kanji-Step.com website: "Boxed daughter/Hakoiri Musume: A daughter, who is raised very carefully and even hardly let go out as if she was a treasure that is kept in a box, away from getting broken or dirty."

Gym Progress 22

2007-02-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

2 leaves and a heck of a week away...

Crazy Saturday... ABT with 25-30 minutes of it doing only abs. Its supposed to be Abs, Butt and Thighs - but I can't fanthom where the heck the B and T went to. What a crazy class.

Sunday was a killer... I wonder if I can keep up with this on a weekly basis...

Mon (ISM): Bibi
Thu (HL,ASM): Bibi,Bibi
Fri (SM,HL,ASM): Steve,Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ABT,ISM, ISM): Bibi,Bibi, Steve
Sun (IHL, SM, HL, ASM): Suzette,Suzette,Bibi, Bibi

Gym Progress 21

2007-02-11T18:59:00.000+08:00

Maybe you think I've learned my lesson...

No its just that there's lots of gatherings, old colleagues, college friends... and work, of course. Next week's a holiday... You know what THAT means...

Tue (ISM): Stanley
Thu (ASM): Bibi
Fri (IHL, HL): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM, ISM): Calvin, Steve
Sun (ASM, HL): Bibi, Bibi

Gym Progress 20

2007-02-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Readers,

Please don't ask me if I intend to kill myself the past weekend. Thank you.

Sincerely Yours.

Mon (SM): Steve
Tue (ISM): Stanley
Thu (ASM): Bibi
Fri (IHL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (SM, ISM, ISM): Johannes,Stanley, Steve
Sun (IHL, SM, ASM, HL): Suzette, Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Gym Progress 19

2007-01-28T23:20:00.000+08:00

Lok's session was good. I'm glad I chose to go to his class instead of Michelle's for today.

Stanley's pretty good this time around. Too bad it was short of time 'cause the previous class overran at 6:40 (class was supposed to end at 6:20) Hiro got to mention that this class is too easy for me... on the contrary, my feet was killing me today and I didn't get to warm up enough.. by the time I did, the class was over. That certainly sucks...talk about misunderstood. And he has the crazy notion to say Stanley' class is just about his level? Oh really. Don't think so.

Finally, I had several sessions of Bibi's class, one of which was unfortunately a quadruple step class which I made an a** of myself and became the cause of one person almost spraining his ankle (He stepped on me, and slightly twisted his ankle. Would've felt much worse if I stepped on him instead).

Hiro brought a friend to the gym again. She was nice and spoke a bit of English. I had her go up front beside Hiro so she can follow for Bibi's class... just returning the nice favor he gave to me when I started out with Bibi's classes - you can never follow if you stayed at the back, after all. So - I stayed at the back - and I remembered now, its not really easy being at the back - I can barely see anything at all, so most of the time I am just guessing where to go and catching up later in the class once I got to see everyone doing them synchronized, and nicely. I was also envious that Hiro was doing his own "choreography" thing during Hi-Lo. No fair.... I was at the back and I can barely see anything! I wish I could do my own choreography today..... *wistful*

Oh. Did I also mention Hiro admitted to "being a member to the most difficult instructors in Japan" together with his friend that he brought along? His words, not mine. Hahaha.. That's the closest I've heard him to admit that he is good... and his friend said he was one of the best. (And he was muttering that he is merely a beginner... and she told me he was a liar.)

Well, that wraps up Sunday.

My feet are killing me again and I'm having cramping sessions at night since Friday/Saturday. And my legs are really tired, and I got an ab cramping session during the last class... That never happened to me for aero. Only for jogging. And my head's been throbbing really bad the past few nights...

All of a sudden I don't feel like joining Steve's advanced class tomorrow night.... Probably a first for me. Moa? Not join? It sure sounds serious.

Mon (ISM): Lok
Tue (ISM): Stanley
Thu (ASM): Bibi
Fri (IHL, HL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM, ISM): Stanley, Steve
Sun (SM, ASM, HL): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

Stanley's OK

2007-01-28T20:39:00.000+08:00

I like Stanley. He's got nice moves. He has a huge cheery smile.

He's a nice guy.

I just wish he would just stop teaching last Saturday. He started off the class explaining he was having some problems with his lower chest so in case we see him grimacing or just standing or hunched a bit while teaching.. its not our fault or anything. He's just trying to cope.

At the middle of the lesson... he started doing exactly that, and I wanted to shout out to him and the whole class, " Will you please stop the class already I can't help but see you in obvious pain while you do your job and teach the class, and its really distracting me, and making me feel terrible".

Doesn't help that the rest of the class can't seem to follow his choreography. Here is a guy trying to vainly do his job, in obvious pain, looked as if he was hyperventilating, losing his concentration (he missed a couple of choreography orders when showing us the breakdown) and drenched in (what looked like cold) sweat and a lot of people can't even make the effort to follow?

Don't let his pain go to waste la...

I just wanted to shout out "can I just take over for you and you go get some rest??" His second and third blocks are the same as last Tuesdays, so I could've done it for him if it was allowed. But it would've been rude or against regulations. Besides, its his choice to take on teaching the class despite his condition.

So the best thing that I did was just follow his choreography the best that I could and hope that others can/will follow me. And at least talked to him after the class to make sure he is ok.

The guy is a bit crazy... but then, so was I and my finger surgery, and so was Hiro with his appendix surgery. There must be something wrong with gym rat freaks like us...

Still Not Fair

2007-01-28T20:28:00.000+08:00

I can't get rid of the fact that he was doing his own choreography and I was trying really hard to keep up, at the back, way behind.

Not fair.

I hate losing to guys. I suppose... let the competition begin?

Maybe when I get my legs fixed..........

Gym Progress 18

2007-01-21T22:56:00.000+08:00

Monday was nothing special... hoping to catch the bodypump class, but didn't really make it. I had to settle for just the step class with Michelle. Don't get me wrong, Michelle is good. Its just that her choreography is not to much turning and it kills my knees - they're all quite heavy footed dance steps.

As I missed BP last Monday, I went Wednesday morning instead at Central. Pretty challenging instructor. Doesn't help that its been a while since I've done bodypump.

Rest of the week? Well, lots of catching up because there were tons of work to be dealt with, and appointments to be made, both work and social. So I HAD to go to the Thursday class.

I had a special guest coming in last Sunday, and accompanied me to the gym. It feels nice to have someone you know very well (and met outside of gym) join you in something that you really like doing, especially if you've been talking about the people that you meet and the fun that you have for more than a year now. Met and seen all the colorful people I've been talking about in my past posts...

It feels nice, I'm quite proud of myself. Its amazing to share something you love with someone you care about a lot. ^_^

Mon (SM): Michelle
Wed (BP): Gary
Thu (ASM): Bibi
Fri (IHL,HL): Bibi, Bibi
Sun (SM, ASM, HL): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi
ps. I notice my sessions are all Bibi's classes... I would do the same thing for Suzette, but she doesn't have that much classes, and she also doesn't change choreography every time... just becoz. *sigh*

Yes I Really Am

2007-01-14T21:25:00.000+08:00

... taking a trip down on memory lane.

Must be all the stuff that I've missed out on for a few months of no blogging.

The Things We Do For Aero...

2007-01-14T21:17:00.000+08:00

This post particularly reminded me the time between week 3 and 17 when everyone was asking Hiro where he went MIA (for a week or 2).

Of course, the most preposterous part about it was that he had a appendix operation, and he was back to the gym after only 1 week of recuperation. I believe this was sometime between week 11 and 13, but I can't be too sure of the dates now since I've since did not log ANYTHING on.

What a useless lazy pig I am. Oh well. Point being...

Well, you get the point.

Marathon! Marathon!

2007-01-14T19:25:00.000+08:00

Oh, as another interesting progress,... did I mention I joined the "amateur" 10km Standard Chartered Marathon this year?

I just got past this post while going down on memory lane. 10km first... Then maybe if I'm crazy enough, I can try the Half Marathon the next year, and then the Full Marathon the year after that...

It REALLY has been only a YEAR!

2007-01-14T18:35:00.000+08:00

Just checked. It seems I HAVE been consistently going to the gym for only a year, and about 4 months. At least based on this post.

Huh. It seemed longer for some strange reason. Has it only been a year????

O_o!

Gym Progress 17

2007-01-14T18:05:00.000+08:00

And you wonder where the other 15 progresses have gone....

Do I really have to explain? ^_^

Anyways, a Beijing trip first week of November, a two week trip back to the Philippines on the first week of December, and a Christmas holiday where I pretend to be Santy Claus over at the gym.. I am now in the 17th week of my second year. Geez. Is it really second year only? That seems wrong. I'll backtrack later and confirm this... it seems like I've been going to the gym longer than that...

Well, I just have one thing to say: I can now follow Bibi's step classes ... at least almost 100%. Hahaha.. I just checked. It took me 6 months to actually get Bibi's style. Since this post. Well, well. That's pretty shameful record. Hiro did it in like... probably 2 months. I remember him saying he came over to Hong Kong around April or May 2006. And by the time I attended the advanced classes, I believe he was doing pretty well already.

Oh brother. My can't-be-beat-by-a-guy streak is starting to resurface again.

...

I hate losing to guys.

Don't have anything against Hiro, he's pretty nice. But I really hate it when a guy is better than me in something that I think I should be better at.

....

Fine. Anyway, the point of this whole post is that I could follow most of the steps for Bibi's advanced class after a bit of stumbling every time at the start. I should've been ecstatic... but now I don't feel too good because it took me 6 months to do it, and a guy did in it 2-3.

Duh - "hooray."

Thu (ASM): Bibi
Fri (HL, ASM): Bibi, Bibi
Sat (ISM, ISM): Calvin,Steve
Sun (SM, ASM, HL): Suzette, Bibi, Bibi

.. I Take It ALL Back

2007-01-12T23:37:00.000+08:00

Yes, I do.

I really do.

An hour after I hit the sack, I got called with a problem in the office. And then, at 02:30 in the morning, I found myself coming into the office together with a colleague/friend.

By the time it hit 9am, we were both a bit hysterical and dazed. I was a bit fuming inside because not only did I miss my usual gym morning class, I was at least expecting to try out the company subsidized breakfast buffet being offered from 07:30-09:00. I was tired, hungry and was on a sugar high (the only food that was around was pack of butterball candy - I think I gained more plaque this morning than I ever did after not brushing my teeth for two straight days)

I left the office at around 3pm, ... I could've left earlier, granted. Everyone was telling me to just go home by the time it hit 9am. But I just couldn't leave some things undone...

I just sat at the IFC starbucks to recuperate myself.... I don't think going back home and sleeping will do that. I just need some peace and quiet. Granted I was also feeling very tired and a bit dozing off on my seat... but I sat there any read magazines until 5. After which I headed to the gym (its a Friday, boys and girls) to take a steam and a sauna before I started getting into the serious stuff.

Steam and sauna are nice.... but I suppose not when you've only had 1-2 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. Well, I got past THAT. I had to kill time you know... and I didn't want to really spend it exercising. I still had until 21:40 tonight to go.

Actually by the time it hit 7pm, I wasn't dizzy anymore... I think the sleepiness just passed. I was practically wide awake after the last class, and was reading a book during the commute home.

Ahh.... but its catching up on me now....

....
....
... zzzZZZZZZZZZzzZZ....

With Support Mobile... and Still Enjoying the Night??

2007-01-11T22:15:00.000+08:00

It comes as a shock to myself, but I am actually enjoying my night despite the fact that I am holding the office support mobile - the same dreaded one that would ring 4-5 times per night, every night, and every hour and kept me cranky and dazed the whole morning in the office.

Here I am, typing away on my blog, listening to Jay Chou and Brad Mehldau right after I've finished my doctor ordered regular leg stretches for my poor, poor knee - which I banged pretty rough last Sunday when I was attending one of my regular gym step classes - BAM! With a little help from gravity, pulling down my full weight with my kneecap as the hammerhead - straight down to the step. Ouch. I could hear my knees shrieking and bleeding inside. I always imagine that nowadays... knees' insides just bleeding.

Ah, but I'm trying to take care of it now... stretching and rubbing and pulling, just as the doctor ordered. Point being, I'm thinking of a lot of things, except the support mobile.

... Talk of the devil. The phone just rang.

....

I take it back.

Hahaha no, just joking. I try to keep jolly when the phone rings. 24 hour support people coming in to the office must have a very boring job to work at 1am in the morning.... the least they could have is whomever they're calling upon to fix that crazy emergency alert be a bit bright and cheery. At least that's what I think so. So I'm actually nicer to them than how I normally am to most people. That's the least I could do to perk up their (otherwise) boring night.

Lucky them!

Well, now that THAT'S gotten over with, and I've handled THAT phone call... what is there to say?

HUH.

Well, still enjoying anyway. Listening to Kalapana's Moon and Stars right now. I'm heading off and break the pillow in a bit... I just thought it would be nice to put up another post to let everyone know what I'm doing. Just reminicient these days, for some strange reason. Must be the take-a-walk-down-in-memory-lane look at my photo albums. I just realized I have a good flair for taking scenic shots - I recently saw pictures I've taken a few years back, of the Hong Kong skyline, and idyllic shots of Stanley Market, both of which I couldn't believe I've taken them myself. I think when I get the money, I should get myself a decent camera again.... ah.. but no moolah right now. Maybe later on then....

Time to hit the sack. Almost 23:00. Got to wake up tomorrow for gym. ^_^

Good night people!

Out and About Post

2007-01-08T23:16:00.000+08:00

Too many things to talk about.

Yes, I know I've been out of commission for quite some time already - in fact, I didn't even keep the promise that I said the last time... took me a year to get back. I have no plans whatsoever whether this post will be long or short, but at the most it will be something to keep my readers (yes I know who you are, you handful of people...) up to speed.

My life is practically ruled by gym and work. Well, work first, and then to vent out my frustration, go straight to the gym. I have no social life whatsoever, but I am trying my best to catch up with friends as much as I can.

Why? maybe because I had a blast the last time I went back to the Philippines. Several little things that come together... a practice karaoke session at the local mall, a good friend's wedding, a dedicated song, a sea of familiar faces, new embarrassments (particularly ones concerning
singing and blindfold frisking), an astounding highschool-cross-grade school reunion, meeting with someone whom I have made a pact to marry in case both of us are unmarried at the age of 40, breakfast customized of muesli-yogurt, a Red Hot fashion show, a 80's cross nativity Christmas presentation, a charming goddaughter, waffles for dinner, an upcoming pregnancy, a dimsum breakfast, embarrassing chai tea latte orders at Starbucks Manila, wonderful teppanyaki lunch, a nice afternoon tea at the State University, recommended grapefruit shakes, playing Castle, sharing an afternoon with a special girl, cousin bonding, dashi delivery at night, lots of clover and Nagaraya crackers, a girl named Bonnie, a gent named Blue, old crushes, reminicent friends, unacceptable embarrassments, a mom who lovingly tried to sew and readjust her daughter's dress so that she can look her best, a dad who cared about her daughter's future, a brother who never shows his care towards his little sister, but he really does, a partner who would always make her sad and happy at the same time...

So many little things, isnt it?

And when I came back, there were more... firefighting, waking up at nights, spending christmas with the family, spending new year with colleagues and Abby, a nice massage, a dinner with friends, an ipod shuffle, some Casino Royale, a hopeful future, a bit of Santa Claus gym gift giving, a pretty Mickey Mouse phone crystal decor, and a surprise matching key chain, a nice nike bag, a familiar friend... two familiar friends... a 3am discussion on life...

Sometimes its all about gym and work, really.

But sometimes... both of them ... fade into the background. And you'll be left with that twinkle in your eye and a secret that you and everybody gets to keep in that rare, once in a lifetime Christmas spirit that seems to get lost of the hustle and bustle of a routine Christmas that happens so often nowdays.

This year was very special. You can tell, can't you? It was special enough to get me out of my blog hiatus. ^_^ Yes, I've been busy... but these days, I've been busy to those that seem to matter.

It may be a little late, but have a nice New Year, everyone, and Happy Holidays!

"C" Is for Christmas...

2006-12-24T22:00:00.000+08:00

I think not.

Well, fine, I was initially stupid and didn't really think it stood for my initial. I _REALLY_ thought it meant "Christmas". Really shows what stupidity can do to you.

This one was a Christmas/Three-week pending souvenir from Hiro during this Disneyland Hong Kong trip: (Its a Christmas gift just because I was away from the gym for three weeks...) (see left)

And then the day after that, I get a strangely similar gift from Nora (see right)

"C" is for Christmas indeed!

Blue!

2006-12-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

This is Blue... He's an adorable dog! A bit dirty.. but still adorable....

He can also run really fast with only 3 working legs. Its seasonal.. sometimes one of his front lets gets infected. But still runs like the wind.

You better believe it, this dog's wicked. This one's small, but packs a punch!

Gigantic Metallic Christmas Tree

2006-11-19T21:56:00.000+08:00

Building the Christmas Tree in Central... Half metallic, half plastic...

Where's the REAL tree??

Other Miscellaneous Beijing Sites

2006-11-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

Here's a couple more that I went to during my trip in Beijing,...
Forbidden Palace (Please don't ask me why I had my hands on the Red wall ... Everyone was doing it, so I just took a pose and had my friend take a shot!)

Yep, here's my electronic tour guide. I'm not sure if I was happy because I had it, or if it was because I was holding it upside down when the picture was taken...

Mao's Mausoleum. Look at all the lines! I've never seen people so cooperative before!

Temple of Heaven:

No you dimwit... You're not supposed to take a picture of the concrete! You're supposed to take a picture of the greenery!

I'm King of the World! (Well at least near the center of the world, based on Chinese tale on the Temple of Heaven....)

Xiang Shan Park:

Really nice Starbucks branch near Bei hai park

ROCK!

Da Wall

2006-11-02T23:16:00.000+08:00

One of the main reasons why I wanted to go to Beijing for my vacation: The Great Wall.

Not just any great wall. Last time I headed off to Beijing I went to the tourist spot section, which was the Badaling section. That was cramped with people, and the wall itself was restored to the point of ... well... I can't think of a better adjective at the moment, but lets just say it wasn't all that authentic as I wanted it to be.

I wanted to see the "guts" of the Great Wall.. something that's unrestored, where you would imagine soldiers hanging about, and invaders marching up to attack fortifications. I suppose I have had too much of warcraft and strategy games. But I wasn't disappointed when I went to Chien Kou.

My friend and I had to take an hour's bus to get to the town proper nearest to the unrestored sections of the Great Wall, and we were given the choice between Simatai and Chien Kou. In the end, we chose the latter and had to take also an hour's worth of ride to the base of the wall.

In fact, it wasn't the base of the wall , but the base of the moutain that had the section of the wall. An hours' climb up on steep slopes and a lot of hiking, with the aid of a trusty old sturdy branch my friend and I picked up (likely from previous hikers who were kind enough to leave them for hikers like us), we reached the top ... and what a sight to behold. The steep climb was so worth it, and so was the trip! Take a look and see what we had to go through, and what we saw on top!

Base of the mountain:

Up there! First fortification! Awesome sights!

Second fortification:

Whoa.. can you imagine climbing up there?

My best berserker Orc impression:

Cool... awesome sights!

If this kind of mountain top scenery isn't up to standards, I don't what what will!

Just because of the this, the trip was sooo worth it!

XiangShan Park

2006-11-01T23:15:00.000+08:00

One of the two reasons why I wanted to go to Beijing for my vacation! Xiang Shan park is one of the places I wanted to go to so I can see autumn at its best. Most people head off to Japan and Korea for this, but I opted for the cheaper alternative....

In fact, its not so bad at all. It also helped that my friend and I found a hike path on our way down the mountain... It had much better sceneries and sights than the concrete paths provided by the park itself.... Can you tell I like nature a lot? especially trees. I'd like to name one of my future kids, "Oak". My boyfriend said its a bad idea... but... really. I don't think so. I wonder if my kid will kill me for naming him that.

The Beijing Food Post

2006-11-01T23:13:00.000+08:00

Egg pancake with crispy fried (something) and sweet and hot sauce filling..

Big spring roll with veggies ... 2RMB

Tons of Nuts!

Sticky rice with red dates...really heavy stuff. 4 RMB.

Caramellized.... fruit. Sorry, cant remember the fruit.

"Taiwanese" sausages ... 3RMB

Noodles... sliced and diced! 5RMB

Street Lamb Skewer .. 2RMB

Fried tofu with sweet fermented sauce - 3RMB

Some japanese chain store selling octopus balls. My colleagues seem to recognize it, I don't. But I bought one and ate it anyway also.

Porridge for the morning.. sorry, no price.

All time Beijing favorite! The street yogurt, for 1.5 RMB!

Lunch is served after climbing the Great Wall at Chien Kou!

Nothing beats a fancy, upscale vacation than having a vacation filled with good street food. AWESOME!

Quanjude Peking Duck Restaurant

2006-10-31T22:59:00.000+08:00

When you like eating, and you get to Beijing, you try Peking Duck. How come its not Beijing duck?

Where in the world is Peking, anyway? Did you ever wonder that? I've always wondered as a child... Beijing is the capital of China... but Peking... I don't know where Peking is. But it seemed to be in Sid Meier's Civilization I (At least if my memory serves me correctly...).

Where in the world is Peking?

I guess that will be a conundrum that will be answered a bit later. For now... its Peking Duck for this post. Especially the most marketed one in Beijing, and as I understand, is owned by the government. (No wonder).

But its pretty good....

See me happy...

Have to take a pic with the Peking duck "Chef" slicer...

Alive!

2006-10-21T02:35:00.000+08:00

The only reason I'm posting anything today is because I am currently holding the office support mobile for the week and I've been psychologically conditioned to hear ringing sounds even when nothing is ringing.

Midautumn ... politics... Nuclear Test... grandmothers' birthday... mooncakes... snowy... responsibilities... priorities... caring... parents... gym... friends.... karaoke.... marathons... growing up... loving... hating...frustrating... life... priorities.. lanzones... dedicated... creative.... sure.... certain.... stable....

So many things... so many thoughts. I'll fill them all in later. I promise.

Snowy Mooncakes

2006-10-06T21:29:00.000+08:00

A family celebration of snowy mooncakes. This one is from Maxim's. As opposed to the traditional lotus seed paste and double egg yolk mooncakes, this type needs to be refrigerated. That's Squiggly's table... its too small for all of us, but we still opted to use that mini table.

Its like being a kid all over again! except this time, the food is real!

New Rubber Shoes (Again)

2006-10-01T21:26:00.000+08:00

Before they get really dirty... I better take pictures of them. Gift from friends. To prevent me from killing my feet.

They're really comfortable, by the way...